Winter Is Reflective

One of the weirdest things I’ve ever experienced is the bright reflection that shines off the snow and illuminates everything…even in the middle of the night. Yep. It’s SO weird. The snow reflects even the softest moonlight times like a bazillion. It still kind of freaks us out. But one thing I kind of love about it is that I can see my favorite person lying in bed next to me, pillow talk is so much sweeter when I can dimly see his smile.  And on the days where the sun is out, the reflection from the snow makes the sunlight in our house all the more bright. I love that we get natural lighting from sun and earth during the winter.

I find myself reflecting on times in the past, the winter seems to illuminate them and makes me keenly aware of both past happiness and past sadness. Just today I was gazing out the window and remembering when body image was a daunting shackle for me, and when I discovered that green stuff was still growing even in winter, the time when I achieved my goal to run a 5k, and when I was blown away by a surprise pregnancy, and of course I can't forget all the Easters we have spent together as a family. There has been so much richness in our life. For the hard times and for the sweet times, I’m grateful.

This is 11pm

I'm Aching

 Any person in the Midwest is ready for spring at this point. Now take a couple of Texans and plop them into this never-ending frozen tundra. We are ACHING for spring.  When I stare out our back windows and imagine what glory the spring will bring, I could cry. I could seriously cry. In the spring my kids and I can exercise together by going on long walks to the park from the bike path behind our house, we can have play dates out on our deck and in our huge yard, I will finally have 100% of my children old enough to take advantage of our huge yard, Austin and I can sit out on the deck with the fire pit going and read and talk while the sun sets, we can invite “after bedtime” guests to relax on the deck and enjoy the awesome lighting Austin put up last summer, we can take mini road trips to visit friends who live a couple hours away, we can go play at all the free fun Chicago places with our kids….the list never ends. When I think about spring my heart just breaks with anticipation. I love spring so much, I just want it to be here already.

What if I wanted God the way I wanted spring? What if I ached for time with Him with the same anticipation? What if I put all my future hopes on the promise of the bright future He will surely bring? I know I love the Lord. But sometimes I take something as trite as springtime and I think to myself (and…sometimes I maybe say it out loud to every mom of littles I run into) “Once it’s spring everything will be better.” I want to have the same hope and faith and gratitude for the one who made spring, the God who is only good and has only a disposition of goodness and love toward me. I want to have that deep assurance that through Christ, all things are possible, even happiness in winter. I want to live in the faith that in the fullness of His love there is life…but actually really really live that out. Lately, I’ve been living as if it’s ok to be half empty and run down because it’s really really cold out. I’ve been living like all I need is a few consecutive warm days and I could have joy. When the truth is, no matter how cliché it sounds, all I need is Jesus. I’m making the decision. I’m replacing my ache for spring with an ache for steadfast joy, with an ache for Jesus. If you are physically living in the frozen tundra as I am, join me in my quest for joy! If you are stuck in a season of life that is bitterly cold, I’m so sorry and I’ve been there. Know that Christ offers warmth in seasons of mourning and darkness and difficulty that far exceed the frigid wind of life whipping around you. You WILL feel the sun on your skin again. Until then bundle up with the Word of God and find treasures hidden in the snow, they are there. I promise.

Seriously, where is spring?!

If you live anywhere from the midwest through the northeast, chances are you woke up to the worst weather report ever this morning. This first day of spring will be followed by 1-2 more weeks of blistery winter weather. If you are like me, your mad. Like real mad. Come on dude! I wish it was possible to punch the cold air, cause that is all I want to do right now! As totally and completely annoyed as I am...I also find myself thankful.

In past winters (especially winter of 2011 after my miscarriage) I wanted needed spring to come outside because in my heart I was enduring a vicious winter season. I was desperate to see the little buds discreetly appear on the trees outside our windows and then waited expectantly for them to produce even the tiniest bloom. When the soul endures winter, it's so painful and so long and so lingering. I needed to tangibly watch the earth transition into something warmer and welcoming and pretty. I needed to see it in front of me because I needed to be certain that God could do this for me too. God did move me from that place and out of that season I took with me so much richness and so much closeness to Him, that I wouldn't trade for a million spring days.

However, I'm very thankful that today it is spring in my heart even though it is winter outside. I'm so thankful for the joy and happiness and love and gladness that are present every day in my heart and in my home. This morning while I was reading I caught myself skimming the "sad" verses. I discounted their value, but then I remembered how vital those scriptures were to me in my hour of need. I clung with everything I had to David's psalms of languish and heartbreak. It meant so much to me that these verses were included in the psalms. Because it meant that God cared about all of me. God cares about each season I'm in. He isn't looking for me to be happy and perfect. He's listening in the praise and in the weeping. So I'll leave you with two totally opposite scriptures that are the same in their beauty for the one who needs them.




[9] O Lord, all my longing is before you;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
[10] My heart throbs; my strength fails me,
and the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me.
(Psalm 38:9-10 ESV)





[8] I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
[9] Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
[10] For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
[11] You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
(Psalm 16:8-11 ESV)

Easter is my favorite; Easter is hope

Easter is my favorite. It beats Christmas, Halloween, and definitely Valentines day. The last two...I mean duh, come on those are not really in the running to be anyone's favorite, but Christmas? Yea it beats Christmas, barely, but in my book it still beats it.

Easter is the celebration of the sacrifice and triumph that forever changed my life and I hope it changed yours too. Easter is what hope really means isn't it? No, not literally. Explaining that will take a moment, I need to step back and tell you a story. So several years ago during my college days, one of my many many "phases" was the stereotypical-enlightened-college-student-save-the-world phase. I had found a humanitarian cause that I was passionate about and decided to throw myself into it. I applied for an internship (which thankfully I did not get) and was prepared to up root and move to a third world country. My dad was patient in listening to my rants (I'm sure he knew that this too would fade just as other temporary passions had before), but then gently pointed out one very major flaw. If my plan for "saving the world" did not include and completely center itself on the gospel, then I really wasn't saving them. He pointed out that while drinking wells, and new shoes, and safe homes were all wonderful things and very worthwhile causes, if those causes had no intention of saving their soul then it was essentially improving their temporary quality of life until they spent eternity in torment. I never thought of it that way, I had never looked at life with the gospel in the center. I mean sure God and being good and reading my bible and going to church...all that was at the center, but this was the first time that it really dawned on me that without the gospel activating all of that...it meant nothing. None of the people who "needed my help" would really ever have true hope until they had Jesus.

Ok, so now we are back. Now you understand why Easter is hope (my abridged version). I love that every year we take a day and we praise the one who made us new. I love that for that day, we stop and we remember what it took to overcome sin and death, it took Jesus. Perfect, perfect, clean, holy Jesus. I love that we celebrate the event that gives us our only true "second chance" just as the flowers are budding and blooming. I love that we celebrate that Jesus came out of the tomb during the time of year when we emerge out of our winter hibernation. I even love that Easter egg hunts happen, even though they don't really hold any connection to Christ's death and resurrection, because when people are out enjoying nature they are witnessing the power of God. "For what can be known about God is plain to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse" Romans 1:19-20. And I love that even when the egg-hunts get rained out (which could very well happen this year) that we can marvel at his love "he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth" Hosea 6:3. And I really really love that Easter is one day on a calendar, but the gospel "is the power of God for salvation to every who believes"(Romans 1:16-17) every day. Every single day, hallelujah!

green under all this gray

I find myself hesitating to use gardening as an analogy or metaphor in this blog, hasn't it been done enough? But I absolutely cannot hold my compulsion to rejoice out of pure desperation for spring. Warm days have come and gone and since been forgotten with no notion of spring in my mind. But this weekend I made amateur attempts to garden in warm weather. Our flower bed was completely covered with ugly browns and grays (usually my favorite colors in clothing, but not so much for nature) I found myself thirsty for more green with each new leaf and bloom that appeared.

This year, I needed spring. No, you don't understand...I needed spring. I needed to see the life and hope and newness of the green after a long desolate winter. I needed to see that He can and does make all things new. I need to see that for every winter comes a spring. Each of those winters with its unique snow flakes and blizzards and each spring with its new surprises and colors and smells. I could cry just thinking about the promises of spring. With every pile of dead winter plant carcasses I pulled out of our garden, I could breathe a little more. I experienced more freedom with each fist full of muck that disappeared.

Thank you for spring! I can dance again. Healing is in your hands.