Love & Friendship

So I guess I’ll just keep writing about Jesus and either this blog will just eventually dwindle down and die or ? I know don’t even know the other side of that equation. Sometimes I feel so frustrated that we are so obsessively application oriented (myself included). Why are the viral posts and articles all about our roles? Why can’t we just enjoy community by way of enjoying Christ together? Is it that hard for us to look beyond ourselves and marvel at Jesus? Is it that hard to lay down my preoccupation with me?

Today I was reading in John 15 and realized that I’ve glazed over this so many times…

         “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

(John 15:12-17 ESV)

I’ve never stopped to really think through this. I’ve always just seen it as an instruction like “if you love me, do what I command” (which is still true), but I’ve never stopped to think about what happened before that. Jesus literally gave his life so that we could share friendship with God. And so now he is saying “look that’s what the love of a friend compels you to do. It compels you to lay down your own life. So stop doing life your way. Give up your way out of love for your Friend, and live God’s way. Enjoy a friendship with the only friend who has ever gone the distance to love you.”

That’s worth a thousand “Dear young mom” or “What I wish I knew” viral blog posts. I can live wholly and completely through that kind of love.

**I don't think that viral posts about women's roles or marriage or family or anything are bad. In fact upon publishing this post I'm reading through my blogroll all about cooking, marriage, ministry, family, and fashion. I just want to push past the surface temporal things periodically and know my focus hasn't changed. 

Friendship, A Warm Blanket For The Soul

It’s 4:09pm and even though there was a definitely warm front around here, it is definitely still below freezing. You might have thought I forgot about my promise, but I didn’t, I’ve just been up to my eyeballs in bulk shopping and laundry. But while I’ve been huddling in my sweats today (my JHHS sweatshirt is STILL the best sweatshirt for a lazy day), I’ve been thinking about one of the things I’m most thankful for this winter.

I’m extremely thankful for the friends who have braved (and I literally mean braved) the cold, snow, and ice for play dates and for friends who are beyond considerate of how difficult it is for me to run certain errands (cause of the whole three toddlers business) and so they lend me a helping hand. If it weren’t for these women, I think I would have lost my mind this winter.

After a couple of months of such severe weather, cabin fever is wide spread and just being around other people and in someone else’s home has the power to improve my entire week. Being invited into a woman’s home and welcomed to grab a cup of coffee is just the warmest possible situation I can imagine being in right now. Maybe it’s the southerner in me, maybe I’m just being sentimental, but I just adore opening homes, talking, laughing, and making the most of what we have to work with this winter. Quality time for me, is the best way to spend time. It’s the best medicine.

Also, a strong remedy for my grumpy winter disposition—help and kindness from others. I’m not typically the type to ask for help. In fact, just typing that makes me want to somehow prove that I’m strong and self sufficient and efficient and resourceful. Ah *sigh* will I ever get past all my apparent control freak tendencies? Anyway, on more than one occasion a couple of friends have made my day just so much better through thoughtfulness. If it weren’t for one of my friends, I don’t know how Lily would have such great (and cheap, this gal is THE best bargain hunter I know) winter weather gear. And another friend went above and beyond when she did a mundane but necessary task for me. Another friend almost always comes bearing lattes. I feel so loved!

And now it is becoming very obvious to me that I have basically been writing a post about my love languages today. Quality time and gifts, and my friends have delivered and thus delivered me from a very grumpy winter. Thank you ladies (and my husband and children thank you as well).

knowing and being known

The kids are eating clementines (actually Lyric is currently amazed at his ability to “open” them on his own!) I’m taking a quick break from cleaning the kitchen, and we are jamming out to “Glory Is Yours” from Elevation Worship. I can’t help but get psyched out of my mind while I listen to this song and think about a week and a day from now. In a week and a day literally half of our small group is getting baptized, and Austin gets to be the dunker (dunker: a spiritual term for super spiritual people, obviously).

For a period, I didn’t totally love the idea of small group. I guess, what I really mean is that I didn’t really see how it could be something that would make me excited. But now I finally get it. I’m experiencing biblical community who “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Being allowed into someone’s life, knowing their story, knowing their darkest and brightest times of life, knowing the burden’s they carry, being invited in to share those burdens and pray together…it’s so challenging and life giving and edifying. Being there for the happiest moments, experiencing the life changes, hearing good news, being giddy for surprises yet to be revealed, laughing together…it’s so encouraging and life giving and fun. Being one of those people for somebody is amazing, but selfishly having those people for myself is the biggest gift.

to know and be known

That’s got to be what all of us want most. We want it from our relationship with God, we want it with our friends, we want it with our significant other, we even want it from our social media feed. I’m so thankful for the ones who know me and the ones that I know.

27, Flirty, and Thriving (dang I wish that rhymed)

Tomorrow I turn 27 years old. And today I accomplished a goal that I set two years ago, while I was pregnant with Lily. And this year was one of the best years of my life. Looking into what I thought this year would hold, I anticipated many hard days, but I never guessed the sum total would equal the best year. The best year. The most surprising year. The most demanding year. The growing pains year. The most humbling year. The sweetest year.

Ever since I was little I had this idea in my mind that being 27 years old would be “like so awesome.” It’s a sentiment very close to the idea that a young Jenna has about being 30, in the movie 13 Going on 30.  I always thought I would be so put together, I’d wear the cutest clothes (and for a time, I thought that meant tight mid drifts ((which I was not allowed to wear as a kid)) with over-all shorts and long hair that I would constantly be swishing back and forth like the best valley girl ever), I’d be dating or engaged to the most successful business man who wore a suit like a Ken doll, and I would drive a cherry red sporty car, I would have the coolest friends and we would do awesome things like roller skate and stay out all night.  But in all seriousness, 27 always seemed so illusive and so perfect. Now as I sit across from a little girl spilling and picking up popcorn over and over, a baby boy needing a nap, and my biggest little buddy runs around with a fresh haircut while my husband leads worship up at the church for one of three services this weekend….I know I was not only wrong about what the past year would be like, I have been wrong about everything I thought I wanted.

I thought that difficulty would always be bad. But ya know, this year I intentionally just let it sit. Just let it be, and gave myself the freedom to enjoy the big picture while I struggled through some zoomed in moments.  Below are a few highlights, a montage of the year if you will. You should start the youtube first and know that this would be my theme song for my montage, don't read into it--the song just gets me pumped up and the video makes me want to happy cry.

MOVE: My New Best Friend

“Today I marry my best friend and love of my life!”

We’ve probably all said that or heard it. For me, the latter was absolutely true on the day of our wedding. Austin was and still is the love of my life. And while at the time, I thought of him as my best friend, the reality was that Austin was one of my best friends. I spent most of my time with him, he was the only one I cried in front of, he both challenged and encouraged me, I trusted him, I loved sharing adventures with him, I could totally be myself both serious and silly. But he still wasn’t my BEST friend. Of all of my friends he was not the one and only best. The truth was, I withheld most of my spiritual life from him and almost never worked through conflict openly and honestly with my husband. I shared my spiritual life freely with my journal and a couple of my best girlfriends, and only when I absolutely had to with Austin. (I know you are wondering why not? We will get to that.) When there were issues or conflict that needed to be addressed between Austin and I, I would communicate through them with perfect clarity….again to my girlfriends. Once I had talked it through with the one or two gal pals I trusted, I would feel great. I had resolved why I felt angry or hurt and what I hoped would be different in the future…all with a friend who had absolutely nothing to do with that conflict. There was only one little problem…nothing was being resolved between my husband and me.

Two major things changed that have taken my husband from being among my best friends, to standing far above them as my very best friend, soul mate, and kindred spirit. This major transition has enriched our marriage with more unity, peace and joy than I ever imagined and certainly more than I ever knew was missing.

I became very convicted that by not sharing my spiritual life with Austin I was not allowing myself to be completely vulnerable and transparent with him. And for me that’s what both issues came down to by the way, good ole vulnerability. (I still kind of cringe at the word…but I’ve come a long way.) My lack of vulnerability, transparency, and ultimately trust; seeped over into other areas (why it was awkward for me to compliment him or why I felt like my walk with the Lord was inexplicably stagnant, just to name a couple). Without sharing the convictions, confessions, and praises of my life with the one whom I promised to love and live with every single day, I put up walls with the one person I should have been sharing the deepest fellowship with. I could tell you that all the sudden I just changed the way I functioned and it rocked…but that would be a lie. What really happened was that I forced myself to share spiritual things with Austin and when I did I felt totally awkward and stupid. But Austin noticed and was so sweet and always listened and encouraged me and never made me regret it. Over time it became more natural, it still isn’t always the easiest thing for me, but I mean it was a transition not a complete rewire.

I think the hugest (yep hugest) part of the transition from having several besties to my one best friend (Austin) and several close girlfriends, was the way that I communicated with Austin about us. I think that this part is the most important part because this is a change that many married and especially young married couples neglect. I know we did. The reason communicating through issues was so difficult was because all the communicating was going from me to a girlfriend and then only occasionally making its way to Austin in bits and pieces. I was still able to keep up walls, instead of letting them down and being honest with him, not to mention taking ownership for my own shortcomings. I trusted my girlfriends, and since they were newlyweds as well they understood. It genuinely makes me sad to recall the way that I would talk about Austin, never totally trashing him, but just painting him as someone I was opposed to rather than fighting along side of. It was kind of like, my girlfriends were on my side and we were all just trying to struggle through the early times of our marriage and sometimes that meant struggling against our husbands. I think those times with my friends always came from a good place, but not a mature or biblical place. Don’t get me wrong, marriage, especially early on, is hard and you don’t always feel like you and your spouse get along perfectly or conflict in the most healthy way—but that is something you should grow through as a couple. It took us moving across the country and me losing accessibility to all my gal pals, for me to learn this. The learning curve became much shorter when I literally did not have anyone else but Austin. I’m so thankful that God changed our path. We had been married two and half years and the way were going was working…kinda…for that short period of time, but in the long run we were setting ourselves up for failure. I’ve seen ONLY benefits of keeping issues about us between us. (There does come a time when using a mediator is necessary for some, but we have to learn to keep things open between husband and wife first and then to bring a helper into the scene when your at an impasse and need some wise counsel as a couple.) If you are like me, you still need your time to cool down and process and reflect, but the next step is vital. Things really changed for me when I made my next step communicating and reconciling with Austin with a soft heart. I love how things have changed between us. There is nothing that I avoid talking about with Austin because everything is open and we are totally united. He knows what things are hardest for me in our marriage and what things I’m strongest in. He knows when I’m hurt and challenges me when I start to shut down. No matter how much I love my close girl friends, no advice or understanding they offered could ever compare to the oneness I share with Austin. I still talk about our marriage with my friends, but it is just so much better to talk about things that are resolved and out in the open with Austin. Everything is prioritized correctly and given the right role in my life, and it feels so great. It’s so freeing!

If you find yourself dying to talk with a girlfriend about all your “issues,” I want to encourage you to take whatever steps you have to take to reverse that pattern. When your spouse truly truly is your best friend, you will be amazed how much better your entire marriage is. Go shopping or out to coffee or get a pedi with your girlfriends…that’s what they are for…but save all the intimate and personal stuff for your one and only beloved.

His mouth is most sweet, 

and he is altogether desirable.

This is my beloved and this is my friend,

O daughters of Jerusalem.

Song of Solomon 5:16 ESV

"Let love be genuine;" Being there for your friend

I'm so excited to have my first ever guest co-writer on this blog! Olivia is close friend that I met when we moved here (Quad Cities, Iowa). Olivia shares a story similar in nature to mine. During this heartbreaking season of our lives, both of us have experienced an amazing God, amazing scripture, amazing prayers, and amazing fellowship. We have both experienced what it is like to be the friend-in-need and the friend-of-a-grieving-friend, and it showed both of us the true need for someone to shed some light on how to handle miscarriage. I was talking with a mutual friend on the phone recently and she said something that got me thinking, "it seems like this happens so much, but I still don't really know how to handle it or what to say." And she was right, miscarriage is more common than you realize and also very common--not knowing how to react (or even if you should react) as a loved one. Thus the reason for this post, to attempt to encourage and communicate how or what or when you should react as a friend.

Accept it, embrace it. Even though everyone's natural tendency is to take the bad and turn it into good, there is an important part of grief that simply cannot be overlooked. Acceptance. There is a reason that denial is a stage of grief, because accepting it is so hard. But your friend desperately needs you to accept her loss. She needs you to sit in her grief with her. No, you don't need to be a debbie-downer, but sometimes the best thing you can do is feel with her. You are not going to make her feel worse when you say sincerely..."I'm so sorry" "I can't imagine how hard this must be" "I hate this for you, I'm here for you, and I'm praying for you." Being optimistic isn't bad, just make sure that you are doing so without trying to brush the loss under the rug. It's hard to grieve with a friend, but when you do she won't feel so alone--which is a beautiful thing.

Say something. Say anything, but not anything. Since our miscarriage several friends have shared with me that they thought of me and prayed for our family often and wanted to say something, but just didn't know what to say. I think that we all have a little voice in the back of our minds telling us that if we say something that we might be one of those people who just end up saying all the wrong things. But the catch is that by not saying anything to your friend who lost her baby so you won't hurt her or remind her about her pain, you really just make her feel like you are ignoring a massive gnash in her heart and don't care at all. Honestly, you can say most things. You can especially say things like, "I'm so sorry" and "I'm praying for you" or "Is there anything you need?" or even the most feared..."Do you want to talk about it?" More than anything, your friend needs love and encouragement and support. You are her friend, so don't be afraid of showing her friendship.


Bring food, bring flowers, bring Starbucks. Just know that you aren't going to fix it. Yes, your friend is capable of cooking herself her favorite comfort meal or driving through Starbucks, but I can guarantee you that she won't. And nothing you can bring her will make her feel right or normal, but it will make her feel loved. Loved because you care, loved because you know her, and loved because when you have a crappy day you just want your favorite things.


Encourage with truths and promises of Scripture. When you aren't sure what your friend needs, give her scripture. It NEVER fails. It is NEVER void. It is NEVER hopeless.


"...For we were so utterly burdened beyond strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8b-9

"During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel- and God knew." Exodus 2:23-25

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26

"O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you." Psalm 38:9

"Let your UNFAILING LOVE surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:22

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Pray for and pray over. The day we found out about our miscarriage we saw some of our dear friends and that night (although I probably wouldn't have planned to visit friends) was an enormous blessing to me. My beloved friend Camie had the most loving reaction to our bad news, she let herself cry in front of me and simply said "there are no words" as she squeezed me tight. Seeing her pain over our pain made me feel literally covered in love. That night while Austin had to be out, she prayed over me and on my behalf and reminded me of the biblical truths of God's grace and mercy and love. In that moment I didn't even know how to pray for myself, and her prays truly interceded for me until I found a way to put my prayers to words.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Be there. Go out or stay in, but be available. One of the biggest reliefs I experienced in early days of our miscarriage is that I had Olivia with me to return newly purchased maternity clothes and then grocery shop together. When we got to the customer service counter of Target, Liv totally took charge so that I didn't have to. It might just be my memory, but I am sure that she sent out the vibes to the Target lady not to even ask why I had to return my items. It was such a simple little thing, but it meant so much to me. It meant that I didn't have to face it alone.


No offense. Even if you could completely know how your friend feels, she might not care or feel that you do. In moments of grief, sometimes sensitivity is not the characteristic that you friend is exhibiting to you. So just keep that in mind if she says something with a little snap or an attitude of "what I am going through is worse than anything anyone has ever experienced" (because in that moment, those feelings are completely valid to her). This doesn't meant that your friend has a right to treat you with less respect than you deserve, but just understand that she is under a thick fog of pain and when she breaks through it, she will have a little (try alot) more clarity.


What not to say.   "This is why you don't tell that you are pregnant so early." "Well I'm glad because I know you were kind of freaked out about being pregnant." "Well at least now you can (eat sushi, drink wine, live off caffeine, lift heavy objects, eat rare steak, soft cheeses, and deli meat)." Also, anything that might hint that God is punishing, or that once your friend is pregnant again this will all be forgotten. Just stay away from those things. I wish I could give more insight, but honestly...just don't say those things.


Endure. At some point, you will see your friend emerge from her fog of grief and get back to "normal." She will want to do things you used to do together and laugh and goof around and watch chick flicks. Be careful that you never forget what she went through and keep in mind that she might have a rough week come out of the blue. There will come a time when she doesn't need to talk it out or cry on your shoulder, but her miscarriage will always be a part of who she is.


My deepest and most sincere hope is that you can be helped by our experiences. I know that for every woman that can relate to the loss of a miscarriage there is at least a handful (if not two or three or four handfuls) of dear sisterfriends that love her and care. Words cannot express how much the women in my life meant to me in my time of need. Austin and I both were blessed by the friends and loved ones who stuck closely to us during our miscarriage. We love you all and hope that we have the privilege to love and serve you the way you have for us.

*We are by no means the authority on miscarriage. We realize that not every one feels or needs the same things. Between each of our experiences these are the things we agree on.