Dear, New Parent

Is it just my “news” feed or has there been a humungous baby boom over the past few months? It seems like everyday there is another newborn and new parents to congratulate! That’s awesome. But with all the newness that comes with adding a member to your family….there are a lot of new things that parents just had no idea were waiting for them.  Alright, listen…no I mean….LIST-EN. This blog is meant to be wholly and completely ENCOURAGING.  I refuse….REFUSE…to take a stance or use this blog as a platform for my personal convictions to become some sort of judgment on other parents. After much much soul searching and conviction over the past 4 years I can honestly tell you that I DO NOT CARE HOW YOU BIRTH OR FEED YOUR CHILD. When I say “I don’t care” I mean I don’t publically or privately concern myself with your family’s decisions. I do care very much in the sense that a wonderful thing has happened in your life and I can’t wait to hear all about it as a friend. And I’m so happy that you found what works best for your family, that is indeed an exciting discovery! Now you that you know what this post is not, let’s get into what exactly this blog is.

Mommies and Daddies of new children,

Congratulations! I know you are so so overwhelmed by the love that just swelled out of your heart and all over your life recently. Whether this is your first baby or your fifth, whether your child came by way of biology or by adoption, whether your new child is a baby or a walking, talking, child with a mind of their own, life as you knew it has turned upside down! There are three things that I want to say to you, with my whole heart. First, even though you are totally overwhelmed by love you are probably also overwhelmed by the total recall of your old routines and lifestyle. It is ok and normal to feel those conflicting emotions! It isn’t selfish to miss the freedom and sleep that isn’t readily available to you right now. Now that you are a parent you will forever live in this vortex of tension and conflicting emotions and desires. The vortex is your home now, embrace it. Seriously though, learn to live with a balance of continual sacrifice and continual blessing. And it is a balance, because if you martyr yourself for the sake of giving your child everything, you will find yourself at a breaking point and your child spoiled with an entitled view of life. If you continue to treat yourself as #1 and treat your children as accessories for your life, you’ll miss out and raise defeated children who chase love from other people because they grow tired of seeking it from you. Learn to accept the balancing act. You will come to count the minutes until bedtime and hold your breath until they sleep, but then you’ll sneak in their room and risk it all just to kiss their adorable little sleepy cheeks. The more you welcome the tension (versus fight it), the more content you will be. But all of us out here in the world of mommies and daddies know what you are feeling and we have all felt the same way! Becoming a mom or dad is a huge adjustment! Continue to nurture your marriage and your relationship with God, secure in the fact that strength from those relationships will propel you as a new parent. Do not ever fool yourself into believing that cutting corners in your walk with God or your spouse will give you more time or energy to be a parent.

My second piece of advice is this (mainly for mommas): DO NOT allow yourself to get sucked into pinterest, instagram, and facebook. Social media and the like have been the down fall of many a mother. First of all, most of us are posting the highlights of our day. The HIGHlights, not the low moments, not the boring moments—the best moments. Don’t compare yourself to that junk. Comparison is TOXIC. Listen to the women and married couples in your life that you love and respect, but don’t go on an unending search for the approval of all your friends. Trust me, living for others is exhausting and joy-stealing. Don’t read peoples rants online about the best yada yada and the only way to do so&so. People have been having kids and screwing it up for a very very long time. You know who got it right though? Yep. The one and only perfect parent-child relationship is the one we observe between God and Jesus. By grace we are invited in to receive the perfect Father in God, but we are far from perfect sons. “And from his fullness we have received grace upon grace.” (John 1:16) Walk in light and enjoy the richness of a life spent knowing Jesus. Continually come to the table for grace upon grace and you will be satisfied.

My third little tid bit to impart is simply this: You will sleep again. It does get easier. I promise. We’ve been there!

F is for Fletcher and Faith

It’s Fletcher’s first birthday, but I’m the one who got the gift. He is the most amazing little child, and in his infectious smile I see the gift of faith. I had never questioned or doubted or feared the way that I did when I found out I was pregnant with him just four months after having Lily. I had trusted God with my life and knew he was good, but until that point His plan had matched up with mine pretty well. But not this time. This time I was confronted with a question: “Do I believe that God really knows what is best for my life?” I don’t think I did. It seemed impossible that having 3 kids under 3 would be a life that I’d love.

I’m so gloriously glad that I was wrong. I was so wrong. Fletcher is the happiest, sweetest, most adorable and loving gift. He shows me every single day that it truly is best to throw myself into the faith that God has wonderful things planned for us. His little life symbolizes just how fervently I can trust God with my future. He shows me how wrong and how ridiculous it is to worry. He shows me that through Christ all things are possible, even happiness in a life with 3 toddlers. He shows me that God won’t abandon me, even when I’m at my most entitled and selfish. Fletcher broke down the walls of my heart and opened me up to gratefulness and freedom. Fletcher showed me how wrong the world is about children and never to give ear to scoffers. He revealed that even with the best intentions, advice or counsel apart from the (sometimes hard) truths of the bible are lies. He showed me that “I’ll be glad they are so close one day” is a belief that cheats me out of the joy I have in our kids being so close in age right now. There is not a member of our family whose presence did not change me for the better. I’m a rich woman.

           

Fletcher is literally the happiest person I have ever been around. He is so smiley and sweet and loves to make eye contact and then just giggle or wiggle. He has the most chubby little cheeks even though he barely has one tiny roll on his ankles and wrists. He loves to wave with both hands and clap. He already has some pretty cute little dance moves and takes a few steps. I love watching him follow his brother and sister around and he usually doesn’t cry when they try to force him to walk.  He is our sweet, happy, playful puppy boy.

Lily in Winter

There are three winter things I am more thankful for than anything else in the world. In sequential order: my marriage (December 13), then Lily (February 15), and then little Fletch (February 19). And today I’m most thankful for that sassy pants sweet girl since after all, it was two years ago today that she made her way in typical Lily fashion. She is the only child that gave me totally debilitating migraines for three months of my pregnancy, the only child who broke my water at home, and she was the easiest and sweetest delivery. Very Lily of her. She caused a stink, made herself known, and then was so sweet that we didn’t mind at all. Because of all the migraines I had very strongly suspected that she was in fact…a she. Since I had only a handful of “normal” migraines in my pregnancy with Lyric, I just knew that there had to be a gal in there messing up my already fragile hormone/headache situation. As soon as our ultrasound showed us her little lady parts I started crying and said “I knew it was her. It’s Lily.”

My sweet and sassy (I’m not just saying that because it is a common pairing of characteristics, this girl is 100% sweet and 100% sassy) little girl has changed our family beyond what words could describe. In her I see my own strengths as well as some future “growth areas” for Lily and past/current areas for me to grow in. She is thoughtful and cautious, but still brave within her own timing. She is funny, but unaware of how funny she is. She is sweet and such a little cuddle bug and quality time girl. She is stubborn and sure of herself, but takes time to warm up to new people. When I look at Lily, I see a tiny peanut who loves the girly girl things of life: getting nails painted, having her hair done at my vanity in front of the mirror, dressing up like a princess. But she makes the best little sound effects for cars, trains, rockets, dinosaurs, and monsters. She keeps up with Lyric playing rough and tumble in the playroom, all while mothering baby Fletcher and keeping a close eye on him. Once I even caught her pointing her finger at both brothers who were sitting on the ground as she towered over them (all 2 inches of her) saying “Obey me. OBEY….ME!” I have no idea where she got that phrase as my children obey perfectly and by instinct, I never have to remind them to do so.

Lily has enriched our family, while bringing a little delicacy to the scene. When I picture her saying “Yeah” and her little grunty elongated giggle I can’t hide my grin. She is a precious and unique little girl and she is my very very favorite thing on this cold February 15^th.

Real Life With Coffee In Hand

Yea, so here's the deal. My baby did not sleep much last night so neither did I. So here's what's good about winter. Straight up, this is real life and sometimes a momma has to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find a little honey for her yogurt (that started as a metaphor but ended as a real life testimony about my breakfast).

1. I love that because it's cold, when Austin gets up with the kids and lets me try to catch up on some sleep, it is really easy to do under my big fluffy down comforter.

2. I love coffee. I love it all the time, but something about winter time makes my love multiply. Which isn't great for the budget, but alas here we are. 

This is the 4am picture I took of us to see if Fletch's eyes were still open. And yep they were. No such luck.

Like A Sojourner

3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,  Hebrews 1:3

The morning after our nine month old barely escaped stitches from a fall on my watch, I clung to the covers gripped between guilt and fear. It was all I could do to stay in bed and replay my worries like a bad vacation slide on repeat. Guilt, because like I said, he was under my care when he fell. A million doubts and comparisons filled my mind. Do I give my kids too much freedom? Would this have happened to So&So who is much more cautious than me? Fear, because I taught myself to memorize the creeping doom of the realization that what seemed like nothing, was actually something serious. When our firstborn, Lyric, was three weeks old he had unexpected surgery to correct a condition called Pyloric Stenosis. A surgery that he probably needed earlier than he got, all because I kept insisting that he wasn't spitting up as much as it seemed like. I was so determined not to be the mom who freaks out, so determined to keep my composure. Granted, he still got the treatment he needed and he was totally fine. But any time one of my kids is sick or hurt, I’ve never escaped that little voice in the back of my mind that whispers "But remember that one time?" 

Under the sheets that morning I begged like a sojourner at a stranger’s door. I pleaded for Him to shelter me and protect me from my fear. Like a blizzard blowing in cold and quick, it was chasing me and closing in on me. I begged that He would let me in to warm myself by the glow of His radiance. I was nurtured by the very moment the door began to crack open. Overwhelmed by the senses of Home, the sounds of laughter and life, the taste of hot biscuits and honey, I knew I would weather the storm. I was affectionately taken in and had forgotten about the threats of the cold lies that blew violently against the windows.  The panes could rattle and shake all they wanted, but I was safe now. I was out of harm's way and could take off my mittens and all my layers, and sit, welcomed by a fire that had a place for me.

The wasteland of guilt and fear will always be ready for me. It will always be beckoning me to come out and dwell there; to let my comparisons and my doubts run wild. I’d never be alone in the wasteland, because some of you are there. Some of you got lost in the storm and it took everything from your heart. It took the joy of motherhood and replaced it with a measuring stick. It took the affection of a home filled with love and replaced it with rigidity and routine. It took the thrill of life and traded it with safety and comfort. I’ll miss you, but I won’t join you there. Come join me here, take a blanket and cover yourself with grace. There’s a spot here at the fire for you too.

Both And

Kids are in bed, dishes are done, The West Wing is NOT on via Netflix because Austin is not here to watch it with me, I’m suddenly exhausted. Too exhausted even, to comprehend the Awana Cubbies booklet that just came home with Lyric. When something is entitled “Appleseed,” I’m sure that they mean it to be an easy read. For the life of me, I can’t figure out where his sticker should be or if there was something I was supposed to do differently, or is it a stick or a patch? Anyway. That all being said, this is probably the best opportunity to write I will get all week. Lily had horrendous, nasty pink eye this week, but we also got to eat ice cream and dance to Cinderella’s “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.” So all in all, it’s been a week. Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday. So what no one tells you about motherhood, the thing that no one says, but every mom secretly knows at baby showers….Ok pause. Before I say it, I have something else to add. I think for most women being a mom falls into one of two initial ideas. One idea is that being a mom is the best and most fulfilling and wonderful thing ever. The second idea is that being a mom is so hard, and so overwhelming and at times the grossest, most stressful thing ever.

So here is my big reveal. Being a mom is THE hardest, grossest, most stressful thing ever AND it is THE most wonderful, life giving, fulfilling, beautiful thing ever. (Admit it, when you read that sentence ((terrible grammar as it was)) you sided with one idea more than the other right?) Being a mom means that you have this tiny person or people, who need you more than anyone has ever needed you. They depend on you, they love you, and their whole life is built upon what you have to offer.  No one ever tells you that once you find out you are bringing a new life into your family; you will be in an unending catch 22. But you a really are, my friend, you so are. You will want to protect and love and be with this person forever all the time, and you will day dream of freedom in the form of a quiet afternoon alone at a coffee shop. You will cry when you drop them off, finally get used to being apart, be reminded of their little quirks, begin down a trail of “I wonder what they are doing right now,” moving on to “I hope that they did this, or not that, or aren’t such and such.” Finally, ending at “I can’t wait to see them,” and then coming right back to “When can we do that again?” It’s insane really. But if you have ever been in love, you know that some types of insanity are so worth it. Certain illogistics are the truest parts of life. (Did I just do that? Yea, I made that word y’all.)

That’s what the world doesn’t quite get. That’s what I didn’t get, until I was pulled in. There is nothing else in life that is as completely and honestly tiring, yet amazingly fueling. I’ve never given more of myself than in the last three years, and I’ve never found more of myself than I have in the past three years. 

July Reflection

Three years ago at this time I was shell shocked and nervous and scared.

Two years ago at this time I was full of fear living on the edge of panic.

One year ago at this time I was crushed and afraid and secretive.

Three years ago at this time, I was scared because He had given me a child.

Two years ago at this time, I was scared because He had taken one away already.

One year ago at this time, I was scared because He had given me back two fold, what I once feared would never be again.

Three years ago at this time, Lyric had just been born and had an unexpected surgery and we moved across the country.

Two years ago at this time, I found out I was pregnant with Lily and scared out of my mind that I would have another miscarriage and that I would never carry another of our children to term again.

Three years ago at this time, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with Fletcher, everything about my plans made sense and nothing about this surprise seemed to work in my mind, I was terrified about what the future would be like.

This summer I realized that all my fears had been proven wrong. The teeny tiniest seeds of belief from those times have been blessed beyond what I ever imagined.

And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.” (Luke 1:45, ESV)

Three babies from Katy Tullos on Vimeo.

Where Do I Put My Hands?

Baby number 3 is born! Fletcher Colby Tullos was welcomed into our lives at 12:09am Tuesday, February 19th weighing 6lbs 12oz and 20 inches long. The last three weeks have been wonderful. Fletcher is the most perfect chill baby. And for all the people who say that bringing the third one home is the easiest, they were totally right. Austin and I are both secure about who we are as parents and that has made all the difference in bringing home a newborn. But regardless of how wonderful the past three weeks have been, there have still been some major adjustments.

First of all--lets just address this with a little humor shall we? I'm sure we can all think up like a million things that are harder or more chaotic about life with three. Let's just let all of that go without saying.

1. Where do I put my hands now? I was just at a wedding and while I was standing there catching up with friends I had a super awkward moment when I felt like my hands had morphed into huge Mickey Mouse cartoon glove hands...and I had no where to put them. Minus three months, I had been pregnant for almost two years! No matter how tiny your belly is, when pregnant, your hands get to rest on your belly, or rub it, or hold your lower back for extra support. It's one of the perks of pregnancy (which still does not make up for the fact that you can't have any sushi for nine months). Not having a baby in the ole uterus is forcing me to retrain my whole posture and learn how to stand and talk like a normal adult again.

2. How much caffeine is too much caffeine? I don't know. When I stop and ask myself this question, I have a cup of coffee and think it over. Then I decide that was a stupid question.

3. What day is it?

4. I have got to stop forgetting when I am watching a recorded show on my DVR during a late night feeding. When the weather man says "Several more inches of snow expected tomorrow!"...that doesn't really mean actual tomorrow. Calm down.

5. The biggest adjustment I've had to make since bringing Fletch home is a mental and emotional one. I was so totally unprepared for all the joy and all the love and all the goodness. And yep, it's harder and crazier and busier--but all the joy and all the good stuff just overshadows it all so much. It's just not a thing. I mean...it's a thing and it's real....but come on...no one who has lived it would trade it and there is a reason. I know I'm only three weeks in, but what I'm lacking in experience can be counteracted by what I'm lacking in sleep. So I think I have ground to stand on when I say I really do actually love our crazy 3 under 3 life.

Now excuse me...my daughter is licking the hinge on our back door....got to run!

And baby makes 4! (or 5, or more!)

I'm flattered to announce that I have been awarded a Liebster blog award! It is an informal nomination from other bloggers, but one I will gladly accept. I now have to nominate 3 blogs under 3,000 followers that I would like to nominate for the Liebster, so be looking for that at the end of this post. 

On the heels of my blog posts about our unexpected third pregnancy, I thought this would be a great time to write about the transition from one kid to multiple kids. I'm sure I'll have even more to say on the subject after Fletcher joins us at home. For now I mainly wanted to touch on some practical things, but lots of emotional elements of adding kids too. I can't tell you how many of my friends (both real and through social media) are pregnant, adopting, or looking to foster their second child.  For those of my friends coming up on their due dates its a time filled with emotions both happy and sad, nervous and excited. This time last year, I was so ready to have Lily, I wanted to meet her so badly, I was so excited to have a little girl, and anticipating seeing Lyric in his role as big brother. At the same time I was nervous because I was afraid that somehow by bringing a new baby home I would not have as much attention for Lyric or love for Lily. I was sad that my special time with Lyric was ending and I thought our relationship would never be the same. I did realize that Lyric, by being the first born, was the only kid who would ever know what it was like not to share me with any siblings. Some of the things that helped me with the transition were things that other moms helped me see, some things that God gave me to live by, and some things that I just picked up along the way. Because this post is specifically written for those of you who already have at least one kiddo, I’ll do it in outline form. ;)

Great Expectations- Setting realistic expectations is the key to embracing most big changes in life, as you know if you have been married for longer than a few months. Use your mind, not your emotions. Don’t let Pinterest set the standard for your expectations. Let God’s word and character shape the desires of your heart. Expect to be emotional for a bit, expect there to be at least a little chaos, expect “survival mode” and not much more. If you are one of those moms who can still cook and clean and bring a newborn into the family, great for you. Most of us aren’t that mom, most of us will survive and in a few weeks/months we will return to thriving in a state of routine and a resemblance of order in our homes.

The Beloved Firstborn(s)- I think a lot of us get scared, nervous, and overly sentimental about the last months, weeks, and days we have to pour out all our love and attention on our first little ones (if you are wondering about the plural nature of these first ones, its for my girl Camie and all you mommies of twins) Even preparing for our third born I find myself a little torn over wishing I had more time to get to know Lily and excitement to welcome Fletcher to our fold. But the truth is, that even though you will be distracted in the first week or two, you will very quickly acclimate and have just as much attention and love for your older child. If you are a little sad because you are afraid things will never be the same, you are right. Life will never ever be the same it WILL be better. As much chaos as there has been, as many bad days, as many times as I’ve had two crying little ones on my hands…I have never ever wished for the way things used to be. (And don’t worry, the bad days are still far out numbered by good days!) Our family is so much better and richer and complex and laughy and silly and deeper because of Lily. And honestly, your oldest will also always be the furthest developed, and as a result will still get tons of your attention and play time. Plus, just remember the only child who ever knows what its like not to share you is the firstborn. All the other kids to come won’t even know that reality, its more normal to share you than not to. (Unless you only have one kid, in that case…why are you still reading this post? …I tease…but seriously)

“How will I do it?”- I think that every mom bringing home a newbie asks herself this question, regardless of how many she has brought home before. This is a question that pops into my mind sporadically. Well honestly, with this current pregnancy being such a shock, this question was just about the only thing on my mind for the first two months. I’ve dealt with it, but it still sneaks in every once in awhile. Just remember, there was a time in your life when you didn’t know how to be a spouse, there was a time when you didn’t know how to do pregnancy or birth or adoption, there was a time when you didn’t know what to do with a baby/toddler/kid—but it worked out, and it is probably still working itself out. When this question was swirling around my head on nights that I couldn’t sleep I thought that I had to have an actual answer. Then one day someone asked me in all seriousness how we were going to do it…that was when I realized, there is not an answer you can give yourself or anyone else. The answer is—we will give ourselves grace, take advice of those who have gone before (with a tablespoon of salt), and we will have faith that God planned this for our family so He will direct our paths and sustain us to walk it.

Should I Stay or Should I Go- Sometimes you need to hunker down and know that a bigger family sometimes means more limitations. You can’t get out and do stuff as easily as you could with no kids, or one, etc etc. But just as there are times when you need to just say no and stay home, the opposite also applies. Sometimes I catch myself feeling down for no reason and to top it off the kids are grumpy and awnry. Then I realize…oh yea we haven’t left the house in four days! That’s when we make a play date, or go to Chickfila, or Target, or the park or library. Sometimes, your house starts to close in on you, then its time to get outta there! After the first month Lily was born, I was ready to be a little more active and the kids needed something too. So I loaded up the double stroller and twice a day went on a 30-minute walk. It was great for me and wonderful for them. It wasn't always easy, but so worth it!

Mommies, the biggest thing I can emphasize is this: Don’t listen to others when they say “wow you’ll be busy!” or “yea now just imagine this [tantrum, shopping, really any activity] with one more kid!” or “yea it will be really hard for awhile, but one day you’ll be glad.” Do listen to your husband and your kids. Commit to turning to God’s word before you turn to any other book or blog for help. Stay near to the one who created your growing family; you don’t need to be anxious. Everything else will work itself out.

I feel that to be really honest I should share that this blog took a few days to write, because…well sometimes I had to stop writing and read my advice back to myself ;)

So I am supposed to nominate blogs with less than 3,000 followers. I can't do that. What I will do is share my favorite favorite blogs in my feed:

http://www.babywisemom.com
http://morninggrunge.wordpress.com
http://notyetfully.blogspot.com

Is that a second line?! Part 2

I was frustrated

I was mad

I was scared

I was overwhelmed

I was disappointed

I was selfishly crushed

This is the story about the contortions of a believer’s ungrateful heart. It’s weird, it makes no sense, and frankly it’s kind of bratty. By most standards, my feelings are understandable, but by my standard it's not right. Thankfully, my contorted heart and mind and emotions were untangled in the end, which is personally my favorite part. I’d love to skip the “freaking out” parts and skip straight to the happy stuff, but our story, like all the best stories, is even better because of the triumph.

There were so many sleepless nights spent staring wide-eyed at the ceiling completely freaking out. I worried about the number of bedrooms in our home, the lack of a third row in our car (purchased ONE WEEK before I found out I was pregnant), the chaos that was looming in the distance, the effect all the pregnancy and children would have on our marriage, and the effect that the pregnancy would have on my body. I spent a lot of time being sad that I had to stop losing weight. I tried to bury the fear of migraines returning (although, when the first one hit I was a massive heap of frantic tears, which makes me even more thankful for friends who let you cry and take your kids off your hands for the afternoon). But more than anything else—I lived and breathed in complete and utter denial. I’ve always heard of denial as a real thing that people that are grieving or in shock deal with. I never knew how real it could be until I started catching myself praying for the absurd.  I know what you are thinking…how can any prayers be absurd? Let me tell you. When you catch yourself genuinely praying that God would keep this baby safe and healthy and protect you and the baby from a miscarriage, but just kind of freeze that pregnancy for about two years, just ya know, put things on hold…. believing that because God is sovereign, he can do this thing you are asking of him…that is absurd. Yes he is a sovereign and powerful creator, but come on! Get a grip girl! I wish I could emphasize enough how honestly I relied on this whole…on hold, notion. 

Probably the only time during the week that I would face reality was during a run at the Y. I liked running inside on the little track upstairs (I know it’s weird) and each time I would inevitably cry. It was two steps forward, one step back. Beginning the run I would cry from stress and worry and fear, leaving the gym I felt encouraged, filled with truth, happiness and excitement. You should know that the encouragement piece came largely from the ministry of my husband and his amazing worship team and the awesome album they were working on, which I put on my iPod even during it’s “revision” stage (if you don’t have it, your missing out).

This was a time of contrasts and roller coasters for me. It was as if with every crash of fear and worry and selfishness, I was hit with a corresponding wave of truth and encouragement and help. If I wasn’t crying from the worry, I was crying from the happiness. It was so overwhelming for me that even while I was being so difficult, God would be so gentle. No matter how afraid I was—of everything, all of it—God still spoke. Never was I alone, never ever did I stop hearing from him. Sometimes it was scripture, sometimes it was music, sometimes it was people, and sometimes it was quiet revelations or new perspectives.  I’ll never forget the day when I realized that not only was this real, but this was perfect for our family’s story. All at once, at the end of a run, it just came together. Having the perfect “two year plan” just isn’t us. We are risk takers, free spirited, rip the band-aid off, “let’s do this thing” kind of people. This fit us better. The air was crisp, the sun was bright, there was a tiny breeze, my hair was pulled back with a ponytail and elastic headband when I called Austin and shared my excitement. The moment you realize that God knows you and your marriage and your family far more intricately than you do, that is a beautiful moment of grace and relief.

The coming days brought more “reliefs.” Relief like—we have eternity for order and peace and perfection, so what is the big deal if we have crazy, full, tiring days for a little while right now. That’s what life on earth is anyway. Relief like—my weight loss and health goals were quickly turning into an unhealthy obsession and this pregnancy was the abrupt end to that path.  Relief like—I love, like really love and like my kids, and now I get another one! No doubt the changes ahead are big and undeniable, but it’s a good thing. Fletcher Colby Tullos, our son and third born, is loved and anticipated and good for all four of us.

I am blessed

I am joyful

I am hopeful

I am entrusted

I am excited

I am held up

Normally, my journal is totally off limits, but just this once, take a look.

 truth

 # of kids

Beth Moore conference notes

 "I am Not Abandoned" HBCD Worship

 deliverance

                                                                     Relief

Is that a second line?!

Alright it's time. You know what I'm talking about. The pregnancy post. I announced that we had been surprised to find out we are expecting another baby due exactly one year and ten days after our daughter Lily was born. Surely, there are things to be said...or written. And here it is.

So, I've been going around and around in my head trying to think of the best way to say this--but regardless of how I put it, it's awkward. So without giving any details...just know that I had been very anxiously awaiting June 21st--so that I could take a pregnancy test. I knew that there was a chance that I was pregnant, and I was trying my very hardest to convince myself that I was not pregnant and life would play out as planned. I mean really, what are the odds that one...urhh uhh, anyway what were the odds that I could be pregnant? Had to be low. HAD TO BE. I had finally grown a real love for running, and I was training to run a 5k and making plans for the Turkey Trot in Fort Worth when we went down to Texas for a visit. I was losing weight, feeling so healthy, loving being the only person using my body; life was good. In my mind, being pregnant at the time would be the worst possible timing ever...EVER. At the time I thought that, even though I had faced some really tough days, I had my self image issues and battles under control. I was active, starting to see signs of my old body, so proud of myself for the hard work I was doing and the healthy habits I was building. I was so convinced that surely I would not be pregnant-- that Austin and I traded in our minivan (which was regardless, a good thing since the mileage was getting high) and we got a Ford Edge (no third row, keep that in mind). One week later I bought a box of pregnancy tests at Walgreens, only so that I could rule out the possibility and go eat sushi with a clear conscience. In fact, I was so absolutely sure that I was not pregnant, that in that little trip to Walgreens I paid for three things. 1. Pregnancy tests 2. a box of cheap combs (I have a toddler obsessed with combs and I'm a southern lady so clearly, my hair is teased on a regular basis) 3. contraception. That poor cashier had to ring up two things that very much contradict one another. I'm sure that she was thinking one of two things, either she had a crazy woman on her hands (yup) or she was dealing with one super promiscuous woman. I mean seriously, who does that? What woman in her right mind buys both pregnancy tests and contraception together? The box said results up to 6 days early. I was still 8 days early, but I was desperate so I went ahead and took the test. Surprise surprise, the test was negative. Life was good. My parents and sisters would be in town for a visit in three days (so if you are counting, that means that I could accurately take the next test the day before they arrived). I continued running and exercising the hardest I ever had (you should know that I have never been the athletic type). I was not just loving the current state I was in...I absolutely relished every single minute of it. Two more days pass, one of them when I had to go to the dentist and answered on my paper work that no, I was not pregnant. Thankfully with God's great grace I didn't need new x-rays. The next day at the gym I weighed myself (something which I was accountable to both Austin and my friend Olivia that I would only do every two weeks, because I had started doing it every day--which is just a bad idea). Hmm, strange...I had not lost one single pound. That could be fine. Most people hit a plateau, I guess it was time for mine. Right? right? or...what if?...I'd seen this happen before, when I was pregnant with my firstborn, but that isn't a real symptom. Right?! --This and only this thought was the ONE thought outside of denial that I had towards my pregnancy. I quickly dismissed it and decided to hit the gym harder and eat even healthier. The next day was the big day...day 6. Austin was literally on his way out, putting on his shoes and then leaving for work. I had just woken up and remembered that I should take the pregnancy test again today during my first bathroom visit. So without hollering at him to wait--I peed on the stick. I laid the stick down. I washed my hands. I looked back at the stick. It had the faintest most light resemblance of a second line. But I mean--I had just woken up, so probably my eyes just weren't focusing right. But as I stared it got a teensy tiny bit brighter.

"Austin?"

"Huh?"

"Austin?!"

"What?" 

"Can you come up here? Like now?"

"Why?"

"Just come here!"

He came up, poor husband, and had no idea what he was walking into. 

"Is that another line? Can you see that?"

"No, I mean I see what you are talking about, but its not a line. Its just the plastic behind the little paper."

"So you see that?"

"Yea, but its not a line. Why? What does a line mean?"

"They don't make those with anything that would even look like another line showing."

"What does a line mean?"

"We're pregnant, oh my gosh, I'm pregnant."

"No, let me hold it under the lights.....yea that's a line"

"Oh my gosh. (now leaning against the wall for support) I can't breathe"

Part two coming soon. Its gonna get kinda sad, real funny, and super vulnerable, and then happy up in here. Come back again to see the smackdown I got from the Holy Spirit.

Struggle or surrender

So, if you have been following my blog over the past couple of years, you know that I have been very honest about the good, the bad, and the funny parts of my life. I have been mushy and lovey about my awesome husband. I have used my misfortunes and misadventures to get a laugh. I've told you about my tat (yea I'm hardcore haha). I've been transparent about the pain of my miscarriage and my battle against self loathing and body image after having my son.  Well I had an amazing sweet silly baby girl 3 months ago (after much impatience for labor to start) and I have been determined to stay out of the chains I once found myself in. I prayed hard before her birth that I would not be defined by the size, shape, or weight I was left in. I sought out accountability to keep my actions in check. I have even decided that every time I go to try on clothes at stores I will first look myself in the mirror and audibly say "This doesn't define you. The way these clothes fit or look is not your identity." I have been more honest with my husband and confessed to him when I find myself feeding lies during the day. I have taped scriptures all over the edges of our bathroom mirror to replace lies with Truth. And with all this...it is still hard. Thank the Lord that I do feel like I am on the winning side of the battle this time, but the other day in worship at our church I found myself thinking "I thought it would be easier to fight against this stuff." But that's the thing, fighting sin is fighting sin. Engaging in war is far far better than just surrendering myself to being a prisoner, but that doesn't mean it is easy.

Once when we were newly married, Austin was trying to explain men and their constant battle against lust so that I could understand a little better. He told me that every man struggles with lust. And if a man isn't struggling against it, then he is surrendering to it. But struggling doesn't mean losing. Struggling can mean winning....but that victory doesn't come easy and it doesn't ever bring that struggle to an end. As long as we are on earth, men will have to make the choice to surrender to Christ or surrender to lust.

I think for most women, at least for me... as long as I'm here on earth I will have to choose to surrender to Christ or surrender to every lie about my body in connection to my worth and my value. I'm winning, but it is a constant wrestling match. I know that there will be seasons of life when the fight isn't so bad and won't really need much attention from me, but right now that fight has to be intentional. That is just where I am. It feels good to fight. It feels good to take the side of Truth. It feels good to not be a victim to the Enemy's lies and my own self hatred. It feels heavy and wonderful to know that the way I fight now, will be the heritage of either love or hate I can leave my daughter. I can show Lily how wonderful it is to be thankful for the personality, heart, dreams, talents, and health that God blessed her with.

**In the midst of all this fighting I have been endlessly searching for podcasts and books and any resources I can find from Christian women I respect about this very thing. What I am finding is that there is so much out there for our daughters and teenagers, which is awesome! But just because you get married and become a mom doesn't mean you don't need a little help out too. No one really talks about that, I think because 1.As moms/wives we honestly do have much more demanding our energy and don't have to face bullying from our peers about our bodies anymore, but 2. We aren't helping each other out! The response I got after sharing my story after the birth of our son was mostly from wives or moms! Hello! That tells me a lot. It tells me that we aren't doing a big part of our job as the body of Christ. Sometimes you wake up and need encouragement and sometimes you wake up and feel equipped to encourage, so stop being so quiet! 

A loves K

If you're like me, before you're married you want the man you love to love you for your heart first, then your brains, then your body. That's great, that's how he should love you. But after having two kids, I couldn't have been happier with the list of "why I love you"'s that Austin spontaneously listed for me on a lazy Mother's Day sunday afternoon. Numbers 1-11 were all physical and I couldn't have been happier. The remaining 9 were deeper than surface level and held much more meaning, and I love those too--don't get me wrong. I still want my husband to love my heart and brains...but...

Dear Katy Wells,
When you wonder if you will love your future life with Austin as much as you have loved your adventures together so far--you will love the future more than you can comprehend and the adventures won't slow down, but they will change. When you wonder if he will love your dreams and take them on as his own and chase them with you--he will. When you feel like you don't have a talent to call your own, he'll help you discover it. And--this one is important--when you take for granted that he even thinks your ponytail is cute...stop and thank the Lord that he loves the way you look now and he will still love the way you look a little down the road and I'm sure he will way way down the road too. You have a good one. A really good one. 


Sincerely,
Katy TULLOS

Please have a laugh at my expense, please

So if I have to be in total annoyance and discomfort because our daughter refuses to get a move on....I'm going to share a story about it! (And no...I'm not past my due date, I still have two days before I hit week 40 but I'm not good at waiting!)

So first of all I need to give mad props to Hannah Slay, this girl brought over Chili's queso and salsa with a 12 pack of decaf Dr Pepper yesterday for a Galentines day of sorts while our hubbies worked. It was fabulous. A pregnant woman literally could not ask for more. While I was shuffling in the queso I told her where I'm at. I think this sentence pretty much sums it up for me. "Literally every moment that I'm not in labor I'm annoyed." Those who know me know that I tend to be "animated" (as I like to call it) or "dramatic" (as some of you like to call it). Either way I am still happy at the core and very joyful...but also...I mean come on...its annoying to wait! It's especially annoying when you are tormented by the memory of labor and delivery being the most painful and difficult thing you have ever done, but also excitement of the best reward and the highest high on Earth when your child is "out."

So the second thing you need to know is that Austin, my amazing husband, has become quite the sleep talker/mover in the last 9 months. Maybe its a sympathy thing? I'm pretty positive I'm the one who is supposed to have weirdness when sleeping. Anyway, about a week ago Austin had this very sudden "twitch" or something in his sleep and I guess his hands were over his head and he hit our headboard so hard. I woke up terrified and he immediately calmed me down and explained that it was him. In that moment when my heart was racing more than it has in the past 7 months (give or take) I thought to myself "good grief I think I might get scared into labor." But alas...we were not so lucky.

So...last night Austin passed out asleep on the couch (something which I should disclose...NEVER happens) so we headed to bed early. Since I wasn't too sleepy (and still annoyed that another day had passed, but really happy because one of my best friends did get to welcome her baby boy into the world) I killed time playing on my phone---ouch...ouch...dude my belly is rock hard---ouch....ahhh, relief. WAIT! That was a contraction! Started in my back and moved forward-check. Started gradually and got worse and then tapered off-check. Lasted about two minutes-check. Rock hard uterus-check. HALLELUJAH! I'll wait for one more before I start writing down times. tick tock tick tock...18 minutes later--ouch ouch...rock hard belly...ouch...relief. YES. 10:18pm. Eighteen minutes of "flood it" games on my phone later...ouch ouch-rock hard...ouch...ahh. YES. Then only ten minutes...then I started drifting to sleep. I was so tired, and I knew that the next one would wake me up and until then I really needed to rest. It took me ten minutes to settle my mind down and fall asleep again...but by that point I was so tired that I didn't fully realize that since I wasn't in another contraction yet, I was probably not going to be. Anyway, after finally falling asleep after listening to Austin sleeping so peacefully for over an hour....I was dead asleep and then ...OUCH! But no. NO. Not that kind of ouch. The kind of ouch where someone just punched me in the butt. I thrash my head very dramatically to look at Austin and he is still sleeping. Ok, this is ridiculous, but I guess he is sleep...punching or something. Whatever. Close my eyes....OUCH...another punch and then "BOO!"
Yea "boo"...are you freaking kidding me?! You are really doing that whole if-I-like-you-I'll-be-mean-to-you-flirting...in your sleep?? Oh Austin. I sit up and say "What....(dramatic pause) are you doing? Wake up." Austin (as cute and innocently as can be) "I'm scaring you into labor." Me: "Are you awake? You had better not be awake." No response. (I should add that it is typical for him to respond with something ridiculous in the moment and then not remember at all in the morning and think the whole ordeal is hilarious.) Me: "You had best not remember this in the morning." (aka you better be sleeping, cause that and only that can save you.)

Words cannot describe how mad I was. And of course this morning my sweet husband tells me good morning and offers to bathe Lyric for me. First, I take him up on it and tell him good morning. Then I ask if he remembers last night. Of course he doesn't. And once again he thinks it's hilarious. He then proceeds to blame me, that perhaps I dreamed it. But then incriminates himself by adding "that's weird though cause a couple of times before bed I thought about trying that while we were watching TV."

I don't know if anyone out there can relate to this waiting game, or if anyone thinks that this is remotely funny. But it is ridiculous, so I had to share it. Please get a good chuckle out of our ridiculous-ness. And if you have any labor inducing tips...use the comment box!