Thursday, October 25, 2012

Is that a second line?!

Alright it's time. You know what I'm talking about. The pregnancy post. I announced that we had been surprised to find out we are expecting another baby due exactly one year and ten days after our daughter Lily was born. Surely, there are things to be said...or written. And here it is.

So, I've been going around and around in my head trying to think of the best way to say this--but regardless of how I put it, it's awkward. So without giving any details...just know that I had been very anxiously awaiting June 21st--so that I could take a pregnancy test. I knew that there was a chance that I was pregnant, and I was trying my very hardest to convince myself that I was not pregnant and life would play out as planned. I mean really, what are the odds that one...urhh uhh, anyway what were the odds that I could be pregnant? Had to be low. HAD TO BE. I had finally grown a real love for running, and I was training to run a 5k and making plans for the Turkey Trot in Fort Worth when we went down to Texas for a visit. I was losing weight, feeling so healthy, loving being the only person using my body; life was good. In my mind, being pregnant at the time would be the worst possible timing ever...EVER. At the time I thought that, even though I had faced some really tough days, I had my self image issues and battles under control. I was active, starting to see signs of my old body, so proud of myself for the hard work I was doing and the healthy habits I was building. I was so convinced that surely I would not be pregnant-- that Austin and I traded in our minivan (which was regardless, a good thing since the mileage was getting high) and we got a Ford Edge (no third row, keep that in mind). One week later I bought a box of pregnancy tests at Walgreens, only so that I could rule out the possibility and go eat sushi with a clear conscience. In fact, I was so absolutely sure that I was not pregnant, that in that little trip to Walgreens I paid for three things. 1. Pregnancy tests 2. a box of cheap combs (I have a toddler obsessed with combs and I'm a southern lady so clearly, my hair is teased on a regular basis) 3. contraception. That poor cashier had to ring up two things that very much contradict one another. I'm sure that she was thinking one of two things, either she had a crazy woman on her hands (yup) or she was dealing with one super promiscuous woman. I mean seriously, who does that? What woman in her right mind buys both pregnancy tests and contraception together? The box said results up to 6 days early. I was still 8 days early, but I was desperate so I went ahead and took the test. Surprise surprise, the test was negative. Life was good. My parents and sisters would be in town for a visit in three days (so if you are counting, that means that I could accurately take the next test the day before they arrived). I continued running and exercising the hardest I ever had (you should know that I have never been the athletic type). I was not just loving the current state I was in...I absolutely relished every single minute of it. Two more days pass, one of them when I had to go to the dentist and answered on my paper work that no, I was not pregnant. Thankfully with God's great grace I didn't need new x-rays. The next day at the gym I weighed myself (something which I was accountable to both Austin and my friend Olivia that I would only do every two weeks, because I had started doing it every day--which is just a bad idea). Hmm, strange...I had not lost one single pound. That could be fine. Most people hit a plateau, I guess it was time for mine. Right? right? or...what if?...I'd seen this happen before, when I was pregnant with my firstborn, but that isn't a real symptom. Right?! --This and only this thought was the ONE thought outside of denial that I had towards my pregnancy. I quickly dismissed it and decided to hit the gym harder and eat even healthier. The next day was the big 6. Austin was literally on his way out, putting on his shoes and then leaving for work. I had just woken up and remembered that I should take the pregnancy test again today during my first bathroom visit. So without hollering at him to wait--I peed on the stick. I laid the stick down. I washed my hands. I looked back at the stick. It had the faintest most light resemblance of a second line. But I mean--I had just woken up, so probably my eyes just weren't focusing right. But as I stared it got a teensy tiny bit brighter.
"Can you come up here? Like now?"
"Just come here!"
He came up, poor husband, and had no idea what he was walking into. 
"Is that another line? Can you see that?"
"No, I mean I see what you are talking about, but its not a line. Its just the plastic behind the little paper."
"So you see that?"
"Yea, but its not a line. Why? What does a line mean?"
"They don't make those with anything that would even look like another line showing."
"What does a line mean?"
"We're pregnant, oh my gosh, I'm pregnant."
"No, let me hold it under the lights.....yea that's a line"
"Oh my gosh. (now leaning against the wall for support) I can't breathe"

Part two coming soon. Its gonna get kinda sad, real funny, and super vulnerable, and then happy up in here. Come back again to see the smackdown I got from the Holy Spirit.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

My Message for the Mediocre

I never thought I could miss looking at this boring blogger writing template so much! A quick life update and reason for which I have been so absent as a writer: on top of taking care of our son and daughter and carrying this growing unborn gift, I am taking my last college class. To answer the questions that are most popular, the class is The History of Science Up to Newton (to meet the requirements for my Social Sciences Minor/Communications Major), no I have not been in classes all this time, I will be finished with class and graduate (finally) in December from The University of North Texas. So my free time has been extra scarce and I am trying very hard to uphold a standard of discipline and order...which means that fun things like writing may be good, but for right now they are one of the "best"s so it won't be the high priority that it has been in the past.

As I have been absolutely aching to write, I have realized how far I have come in the last 3 and half years. See I have always had this embarrassing little problem. It is something that most people wouldn't necessarily notice about me, in fact I think even my husband didn't notice until I pointed it out to him. My problem/secret is that, well how can I say this--I'm kinda talentless. In harsher moments I would probably even say I was chronically mediocre. Now I know, "God created me special" and everyone has a purpose or calling blah blah. But when talent shows would come along...I didn't even consider auditioning and not because of stage fright. I like to think of myself as someone who is not afraid to be the center of attention, but not obsessed with being so either. No fear wasn't the problem, it was lack of talent to show case. Which is the same reason I wasn't an athlete, or first chair, or a vocalist, or a dancer. I know this sounds so ridiculous and it is SUCH a first world problem. I know. It didn't bother me a whole lot until I married one of the most talented singer/songwriters/worship leaders ever. Seriously, from the beginning I have always admired not only my husband's musical talent, but... he is one of THOSE GUYS. You know the ones, they decide to do something and they do it. The kind of guys that just make things happen. And dang, that is attractive--real attractive (to better not be for you unless your husband is also one of THOSE GUYS, otherwise you best capture that thought). But sharing life so closely with someone so started to highlight the contrasts between us. Ok--so another pause I should take here--I don't really consider myself mediocre in everything. I think I'm pretty good in relationships, I like people and I think I'm good at interacting with them, I can make a killer gift basket on a dime, so far I don't think I'm messing up things on the mommy-front, I'm kinda funny--but none of those are like--something that leads to a grand dream or anything.--Unpause. -- So in the last almost four years of being married I have been dying to find a talent. I finally admitted to Austin that I was one of those mediocre types and he argued, but couldn't actually come up with a tangible talent that I possess either...but he did try, really hard. So as stupid as I felt about it, I started praying for God to 1.Give me a talent that I never had before (my top pick would be to suddenly turn into a song-bird type and I will always want this forever and ever) or 2. For Him to cultivate something that was already there but maybe just kind of hiding. I just "happened" to start a blog, just for life updates and bragging and such, ya know like everyone else--but then I started really liking it. The more I wrote the better I got. Then I started understanding my spiritual gifting a little better and that encouraged me to follow that stirring to write what God was impressing even more. Now, I know I am a writer. Maybe all that will ever mean is that I type away on blogger for the rest of my life, maybe one day my new dreams (that I am not disclosing cause that junk is personal and calls for far too much vulnerability via internet) will be reality and being a writer will be even more --either way I'm good. It is just refreshing to feel like I have a thing and so fun to dream with Austin about our things. Recently, some new friends asked what I did, I answered that I stay home with our kids, but then my husband proudly added "She's a writer." That's one for my "favorite memories."

I survived being mediocre and I was surprised that my "talent" had really been there all the time, even back in my creative writing club days and writing class with Mrs. Shurtleff in middle school, God was beginning something precious in me.