Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Easter and our miscarriage.

I have literally written and deleted and written this post at least 6 times. Each time, stopping and giving myself some time and space to read this again before posting and each time I come back to it, I am increasingly dissatisfied. So I'm just going to rip the bandaid off. I'm just going to say it. I'm saying it. I had a miscarriage. It happened in February.

I rewrote this post (and will probably continue to fight the urge to toss the whole thing out again) so much because every day is different. One day I sat down and wrote this blog with lots of facts, medical facts, timeline facts, all sorts of facts with nothing personal or emotional. One time I sat down and wrote this blog with all emotion, everything dark and sad and scary and mad, I wrote it all without any sense of hope or resolve. One time I sat down and wrote this blog with all the optimism and hope you could imagine, filled with gratitude and silver linings.  None of those felt right on the second read, but all of them were right in that moment, on that day. The fact of the matter is that I have felt impersonal and very distant and only able to repeat the medical facts that I know. I have felt sad and hurt and betrayed by my body. I have felt (and thankfully continue to increase in) feelings of gratitude that we were given the precious gift of guardianship even if only for 6 weeks and hopeful that my deepest desire, to bring the Lord glory with my life, will be fulfilled in Him and through Him.

It was so hard to write this for two reasons. One being that at first I thought I had to know exactly how I would explain it, how I felt about it, and where it leaves us before I could write it out and "break the news" on my blog. The other reason being, I was fearful of what someone would comment or what someone might say if they ran into me in the grocery store after reading this. I'm not exactly the best at being vulnerable. But God is good, God has been good and He will continue to be good.

This is the last post for my Easter series because this Easter the gift of salvation was vital to my heart's gladness. Before the miscarriage happened, I had an unshakeable fear that miscarriage was in the future for us. At first just thinking about it felt like driving on a long road that faced a dead end. But then I looked at our life (including and focusing on the possibility of a miscarriage) through the gospel. When I looked at our miscarriage with a heart fixed on the gospel, it wasn't a dead end anymore. Jesus freed me. Jesus will continue to free me, there are no more dead ends. "and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."I can hope; I can hope in the Lord, because my identity is not dependent on how many babies I can have. My identity is, however, completely wrapped up in, intertwined with, and dependent on Christ's death and resurrection as a substitutionary atonement for my sin.

I had to write this and share this, because God will be glorified through this...but how can I believe that if I keep it a secret to protect myself? This is a part of my story, my story of God the Savior and His continuing faithfulness. This is not a dead end, this is part of my sanctification. I also shared my story because miscarriage is common, and yet extremely isolating. If any of you out there can benefit from reading and sharing in this journey, then my story will not be wasted and it does not hold the power to isolate you or me any longer.

7 comments:

  1. Katy--bless you for sharing your story, friend. I've never experienced this so I can't even imagine the pain, but I know so many women who have faced this without a support group of those who DO know the pain. You are so brave to be vulnerable and I know countless women will read this post and take so much comfort from your words! I hope you gain peace from sharing.

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  2. Good Lord, you are a brave woman and Christ is glorified through you.

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  3. Katie, you are so brave. My husband and I know the heartbreak of several miscarriages. Thank you for sharing. You have an amazing heart girl.

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  4. beautiful, Katy. Thank you for posting this. I love you girl.

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  5. I'm extremely close to my best friend who just recently had a miscarriage when she was about 6 weeks as well. Because we are so close, we pretty much have shared the grief and gone through the healing process together. My thank you might never fully reach you but THANK YOU...thank you for sharing your life. Your life that so reflects God.

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  6. Katy,
    Thanks for sharing this...
    My sister just miscarried around the same time as you. She was only 6 weeks along, as well. It was a difficult time for us all, but I do feel that it drew us closer to the Lord. I remember praying for her daily once we heard she was pregnant. Praying for the safety & health of Andrea (my sis) and her baby. When we got the dreaded phone call my prayers did not end. Quite possibly this happening drew my sister & bro-in-law closer to HIM in ways that could not have happened if they hadn't gone through this situation.
    Though I never met my niece/nephew, I know I'm an aunt, now.
    Thanks for sharing a little more of your life, Katy. I'm praying for continued healing in this all and excited to share life with you & your family.
    Liz Dirksen <><

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  7. Katy that is a beautiful perspective the Lord has given you with it all. I am challenged by your words. I cannot resonate, but I am challenged by you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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