You have sorrow now, BUT

Sometimes I just feel like giving up on this whole writing business. And with Easter approaching I somehow feel like if I skip out on my Easter posts, then I’m done for good. I can’t imagine a world of writing without an Easter post in it. So since I’m not giving up on writing just yet (I feel like this has to be a normal writing torment right?), here we are.

Release

We make life hard for ourselves at times don’t we? In a culture driven by self-motivation, ambition, and the American Dream…sometimes we get really caught up in our own minds. We start believing that the way we think is the best way, the way other people think is likely less enlightened than our way, and view everything through a critical lens. Everything is sifted through the tight filter of our preferences and our assessments. It’s so tiring. Wouldn’t it just be easier to let go for a day and let life be simple, to choose to enjoy rather than to evaluate. Releasing the constant strain for the potential perfection we have concocted and breathe in grace. Grace is here, now, illuminated by the imperfections and flaws and mistakes that engulf our reality. Don’t stop being who you are, but be the truest of who you are. Enjoy the fullness of who you are in Christ.

If you’re a thinker, think through grace and dwell on joy.

If you’re a free spirit, embrace grace and put down comparison.

If you’re straight laced, stand on the tension between what has come and the glory that will be.

If you’re just getting through life, look up at the clouds and be moved by the worship that even nature proclaims.

If you’re bruised and beaten, take heart. He has overcome the world!

13 Reasons Why #RealLifeIsBetter

#RealLifeIsBetter

This is probably the least pinnable, retweetable, or shareable blog post your gonna find. It’s not going to be crazy spreadable online, cause what I’m gonna be saying…it’s kinda like biting the hand that feeds you. Or should I say the monster that doesn’t actually feed you at all. What I’m saying is: let’s be conquerors over the internet, let’s keep social media in its proper place, let’s pursue balance and self control, let's stop reading meme’s and get back to reading books, let’s form our own opinions, let's put our phones down and spend time with real people.  Now come on doesn’t that sound like fun? Alright, so I’ll give you a little context to my new crazy radical approach to life.

On December 28^th Austin and I decided to delete all social media apps from our phones until January 2, 2014. It only took about twelve hours of detox for us to come to the conclusion that we needed some permanent changes.

Here's the top 13 reasons that came flooding in during that detox period:

1.     I don’t need to share all my quirky, clever, or cute thoughts under 140 characters with the world.

2.     It is the exception rather than the rule that thoughts under 140 characters are valuable enough to share with the world.

3.     The more I “share” the less self awareness I see in my life.

4.     If you asked our kids to draw a picture of us during lunchtime or downtime, it would be of us scrolling through our phones.

5.     When I ask myself the question, “who am I becoming?” from constant social media use, the answer is a whole lotta ME.

6.     When I ask myself who I want to be like…the answer is a whole lotta less of ME and a bunch bunch more of Christ.

7.     I don’t like your kids more than mine, I guarantee it. Yet I ignore my own so that I can look at the pictures you posted or the funny story you shared. I like my kids, so I want to soak up the most of them I possibly can.

8.     I’ve recently been vocal about my loneliness as a stay at home mom, and I just realized that a contributor to my loneliness is the false sense of belonging and community that social media feeds me. I want the real thing, and social media should only serve as one of several tools to get me to real relationships.

9.     Because no one ever gets to the end of their life and wishes for less time or more internet or cooler photos.

10.  Because my kids aren’t boring, my husband isn’t boring, and I’m not searching for anything better….so I’m going to stop living like I am.

11. Selfies. The worst thing to come from this technological era. Now listen, I have posted and will in the future inevitably post an occasional selfie. Sometimes being in a cool new place or trying out a new hairstyle or doing something really funny are all good decent reasons to OCCASSIONALLY post a selfie. But seriously the shameless self-promoting mindset that the selfie culture has conjured up is just ridiculous. Dial it back a notch…please. I’m begging.

12. Because “back in my day” when I was single and on my own in college, I have such fond memories of being ALONE. Going out to dinner…alone, going to coffee…alone, going for a drive…alone, sitting in a well light and frequently populated park….alone. I cleared my mind, I thought, I “people watched”, I dreamed for my future, I prayed through my present. Being alone is a gift that social media has stripped us of.

13. Because REAL LIFE IS BETTER than life online.

So that’s my abridged version. I hope that in my brevity I wasn’t offensive. I would be happy to elaborate on any of these points, just leave me a comment and we can open up a discussion! The internet and social media are not the bad guys of life, but when we let social media control our life….we are letting the tail wag the dog as some of my friends would say.

Here are the ways this revelation will be applied in my life:

-       -No more personal twitter account. You can follow the Bird in a twitter, and that will be getting a tad more use. But I’m cutting the Katy Tullos account.

-      - No more facebook or pinterest apps on my phone. I will be keeping my facebook because it is a great way to stay connected to friends and family, but my time will be limited to intentional times on my computer. Pinterest is the thief in the night of my time…from now on I will also be using Pinterest for intentional times for recipe searches and outfit ideas here and there.

-       -More play time with my kids (and I’ve found I’m very impressive with a tub of play dough!). I’ve found that the more available I am, the more often the kids invite me into their world. Like literally…they ask me to join them more now than they did when my phone was glued to my hand.

-       -No phone during husband/wife tv time. Hey these shows are actually pretty good and way more fun when we experience them together to the fullest.

-       -Instagram will remain as is.

Will anyone out there join me in this endeavor? Let’s get back to making memories and worry a little less about capturing a bunch of half lived moments.

The Greatest Arrival

We’ve been reading through the Jesus Storybook Bible with our kids (which I would suggest even for people with no children!). We are still in the Old Testament and each story has some mention of our need for a savior, our inability to rescue ourselves, or the prince to come. I love it. It gives me such a deep appreciation for the intense waiting period that creation endured. Reading bible stories in that context gives me a feeling of connection to that waiting period. Of course, I’m not super super old (note that I’m not even about to put a number on that…this isn’t that kind of blog people, take your debates elsewhere) and I wasn’t there literally waiting for Jesus. But I am a part of the carefully crafted creation that has a deeply sincere need and longing for redemption. My debt of sin piling up and swallowing me whole, just like everyone before and after me. Even before I was aware of it, I carried my yearning for reconciliation and peace with God like an anchor tied to my soul. And because of mercy and grace, my souls breathes and my heart beats new life.

 The birth of Jesus is about the arrival of the Good King. The true, noble, faithful, ruler who walked among us has come! It’s when all of creation sighed in relief and then filled its lungs to sing the highest praises. For generations, the faithful waited. The birth of Jesus is where anticipation meets fulfillment.

So let’s rejoice.

He came, He came! He came just like He promised. Our waiting is over. All this struggle and all this yearning, now breathes relief. We have a Savior! We know His name. And we are His people! He adopts us into his family as children. We are welcomed into the blessed family of Christ to join His kingdom forever. We have a beautiful inheritance. And this day that we celebrate each year; it marks the beginning; the beginning of hope, the beginning of GRACE.

MOVE: I hope I'm never the same

So this is a post about love. God’s love, Jesus’ love, my love. For some people writing a post about love would be like…the throw away-blow off-last minute-fluff post. Not the case for me. For me, to dwell on love and grace…it’s a little out of character. In the partnership of truth and grace—I air on the side of truth. I like justice, I like things to be in their proper place, I like the order that truth brings to chaos. That being said, I have at times worked myself crazy getting caught in a cycle of frustration because surprise surprise: everyone on earth doesn’t consult me before making decisions…or hey, living life for that matter. My husband challenged me recently to pursue mercy, something that just sounds annoying to me. Ok not annoying but….well yea annoying. But I honestly committed to him that I’d give it a shot.

In a series of events in the last few months (some of my own doing and some not so much my choice) I’ve learned a few things that have rattled the deepest part of me. I hope I’m never the same. What I learned came in two parts, what I learned about God and what I learned about me.

Here is the biggest thing I finally learned about God. I say finally, because it’s never been hidden or hard to figure out. It’s all over the Bible, it fills our worship songs, and it is essentially one of the most basic concepts of the Gospel. Ready? If you read it carefully you may still be able to hear my mind exploding and my heart being totally flattened by it. (I’m going to type it the way I received it, so the “I” is not me. Make sense?)

“I am equal parts Mercy and Justice.

I satisfy my justice with my mercy.

If you aren’t pursuing both parts of me, you aren’t pursuing me.

My mercy is how you deal with ‘that thing’

I am the Good King AND the Merciful Judge.”

How could I have missed this for so long? Even though mercy and love and grace, are all different attributes of God, they would all be in one big box of the things I struggle with emulating. So I guess, I’ve just kind of skipped over those parts of God’s character—no, that can’t be true, because I have never struggled with receiving love, mercy, or grace for myself. Just with portioning it back out for others. But by seeing a more full picture of who Christ is, I want more. I want more of Him, I want to be like Him. I want to return His love. I want to revel in His love. I want to trust in His love. I want to live through the filter of His love. Out of His love both His justice and His mercy have been poured out and are being poured out. I wish I could accurately describe how much this changed, astonished, rattled, awakened, delighted my heart. You will just have to take me at my word, that this simple concept met with the grace to see it, has been life giving and renewing in me.  And so I guess this is a good time to get around to what I learned….or more what I realized about me.

Have you ever spoken to a person about something or someone that they supposedly love, but you just don’t buy it? Something in their nonchalant attitude or their distant tone, it just doesn’t read as love. They could give you a million reasons why it is love, but it doesn’t translate. It doesn’t show. It’s not obvious, it’s hidden, it’s guarded, and it’s forced. I’ve been on either side of that conversation far too many times. But this last time, it hit me hard. It hurt. It was offensive. And that’s when I realized, my love for Jesus has grown and changed and matured. I feel a sting followed by an ache, when I hear someone talk about my precious Jesus, my savior, with such matter of factness. I finally grasp the disgust of lukewarm faith. (Revelation 3:16) I’m done with that. I’m drawing a line in the sand. I love Jesus so why would I act any differently? For the first time I genuinely do not care if the cynics think I’m cliché, or the unbelievers think I’m crazy, or if the intellects think I’m naïve. Jesus saved my soul; I owe Him everything. I won’t hide my affections.  I want to love Him with such ferocity and devotion that my kids yearn for it, that they describe me as one who walks with the Lord, that they see all my victories are His victories, that they are drawn in and desperate for their own fellowship with Christ. I won’t look back and I won’t wait. I won’t hesitate to say His name. I won’t make vague allusions. My eyes have been opened. And what I see is so much more than I ever imagined. And I know there is still so much more.

When I met him I had no idea how to love or even what love was- true, real, pure love at least. But over the years He has kept on loving me with a patient, strong, steadfast love. And I realized I’m loving Him better because He is teaching me how. 

If you find yourself on the fence...don't wait any longer. Take the leap. Love and be loved.

MOVE: From Normal to Healthful

This has taken me longer than usual to write because I want to be sure that I balance both sides of this just right. I want to share my testimony about chains that have been broken, but it is very important to me to share the physical tools and choices that have changed my lifestyle. The best way I can put it is this: The biggest transition in this area of my life is not what workouts I do or what I eat, the most important transition has been the transition of my purpose. I'm so pumped about this particular post! If you have followed my blog for any length of time you probably know I've been painstakingly transparent about self-image issues that I've wrestled with ever since I started popping kids out (and yes having three kids in three years does give me the right to make jokes). I'm so so happy, gleeful, content, thankful, at peace, and excited to share that I'm free! I'm not writing to you from my own personal prison cell! I used to view my body as a necessity to deal with and make as skinny, pretty, cute, and attractive as possible. The purpose for my physical body used to be equivalent (in my mind) to the way I looked. Now I live in the truth that the purpose for my body is to glorify Christ both with the way that I use my body and in the way I treat my body.

        Almost exactly a year ago, my husband started taking some pretty drastic measures to change habits in his life to start a more healthful lifestyle. I was able to somewhat join him while I was pregnant, and since having Fletcher I have had so much fun diving in alongside him. I'm so thankful that I'm married to the kind of man who will lead by example and patiently wait for me to follow him. The changes we made in our lifestyle were of course to lose a little weight, but mainly to get our bodies working for us instead of in spite of us. I truly believe that God led our hearts and our desires to honor Him with our physical bodies and a beautiful by-product of that was freedom from endless self-centered thoughts about how I looked in the eyes of the world. I'm so excited about this post because I want everyone to know the excitement and freedom that comes with healthful living. 

I know that when people hear that "eating healthy" most of the time that usually translates into "nutty-drastic-no-fun-diet." I know until recently I used to think that way. I used to think that giving up certain foods would be all about sacrifice and missing out and a bunch of rules, and just feel like a huge punishment. But the reality is that yes, I have had to make myself say no to late night sweets and potato chips, but it has never felt like a punishment. It feels like freedom. Freedom in enjoying what I eat and how great it makes me feel and fuels me to face the day. Freedom from worrying about how clothes will fit or what I look like. Freedom from many things; but mostly freedom from myself. I’ve really come to believe that for the believer a healthful lifestyle paired with the desire to glorify God produces a selflessness which is totally countercultural to the narcissism we have come to accept among the health and fitness community. And I would dare to say it's something that every believer is called to.

I will be sharing the pratical things that altered our lifestyle in Part 2 of this post. For now, I’ll just leave you with this thought that has shaken my perspective. I know the God that I worship and adore chose to give me His image when He created me. When I stand before Him will I be a faithful servant who has made much of the Master’s most valued creation or will I have nothing to show but a run down cheapened version of what He intended?

I Don't Know How You Do It: Easter's Victory

Recently (and by recently I mean because winter is finally fading and I'm finally coming out of hibernation with all three kids in tow) I've been asked one resounding question...like a lot. "How do you do it?" Well, let me tell you.

I do it because God called me to it. And because he called me to it, He will equip me for it. And I know that I have the strength to endure it because He does. And I can do it, because Jesus is victorious over all!

And that's how this just became my Easter post.

I know it might seem like I'm over spiritualizing, but honestly--if I don't get this Truth every single day, then I'm not "doing it" or at least I'm not doing it well. If the victory of Jesus becomes something I take for granted then, not only, am I not doing it...I'm missing it. The moment I realized and took on my motherhood as my greatest calling and most important ministry "obligation," I started becoming aware of the crazy endless supply that was available to me every day and every moment. It's just as urgent and real as a young woman moving over seas to pursue her ministry as a missionary, or a pastor studying and teaching and leading, or a worship leader writing new songs and leading a congregation---that is the realness and the seriousness with which I should approach my calling. If I said to you, "My ministry is with these three unbelievers that live with me. They need help with basic life skills and are in desperate need for love and nurturing. They only know what I have told them and shown them of Jesus and the gospel."....I mean that kind of puts it in perspective right? The calling on mothers is real.

But this is where the very best part comes in. If Jesus was victorious over sin and death, then can't I trust Him to be victorious over naptime and tantrums and The Cat in the Hat (for the one millionth time) and loading up three under three in the car by myself? Can't I trust him to give me everything I need for that day? Can't I trust that even though I work so hard that I can absolutely bathe in joy simultaneously? Can't I trust that even when I miserably fail at motherhood, He isn't done with me?  If I really truly believe that Jesus defeated the grave on my behalf so that I would have abundant life, then shouldn't life reflect that abundance?

That's how I do it. I don't do it.

Precious Is The Flow: Good Friday

Has there ever been anything in your life that is so wonderful and so cherished that you are just dying to tell everyone, but at the same time it's so personal and so deep that you know that you could never do it justice? That's where I'm at with this Good Friday post. This year it is just hitting me in a real sacred, inner deep deep heart kind of way--clearly I can't really describe it. All I can manage is this:

Precious Precious Precious

Sacred and Holy is the blood that was spilled...for me.

In the last moments, He forgave me.

Who am I that I should be so deeply loved?

How great our God to be capable of such complete and full forgiveness even while enduring torture and mockery at my hand.

Seize the [Palm Sun]day!

Today is the first day of Passion Week. If you have followed my blog, you know that I love and I mean LOVE Easter. It's my favorite holiday.

Every year on Palm Sunday I find myself admiring the very first followers of Christ, those who were there to welcome Jesus by waving palms and shouting "Hosanna!" They believed that this man from Galilee would be their king. They believed he was worth worshipping unashamedly. They seized the moment to praise him and show him honor. I'm sure that some people looked at the crowd greeting Jesus as a bunch of crazies. I'm sure that it wasn't popular to praise the name of Jesus. But those who knew of his works and his teachings and choose to follow him, they participated in an act of worship that we still recognize today. They seized the moment and praised his name. Can you imagine it? And just to think...they didn't even know the half of what he would do. In the moment of their worship He had not yet died and been resurrected as the substitute for all of mankind. The best was yet to come. I would hope that I would have been one of the believers in that moment. I would hope that knowing what the scriptures taught and recognizing the greatness of the humble man of Jesus would have been enough to captivate my attention, heart, and life.

Many of them expected him to rise as a military and political leader and king. The stage was set; expectations were in place. Something great was going to happen in a matter of days. No one knew it then, but their expectations would be shaken and very far exceeded. And to think it was all just around the corner.

The next day the large crowd that had come to the feast heard that Jesus was coming to Jerusalem. 13 So they took branches of palm trees and went out to meet him, crying out, “Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord, even the King of Israel!” 14 And Jesus found a young donkey and sat on it, just as it is written,

15“Fear not, daughter of Zion;

behold, your king is coming,

sitting on a donkey's colt!”

16 His disciples did not understand these things at first, but when Jesus was glorified, then they remembered that these things had been written about him and had been done to him. 17 The crowd that had been with him when he called Lazarus out of the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to bear witness. 18 The reason why the crowd went to meet him was that they heard he had done this sign. 19 So the Pharisees said to one another, “You see that you are gaining nothing. Look, the world has gone after him.” (John 12:12-19, ESV)

Homesick

Warning: I'm going to be honest, the kind where you admit stuff.

When I was single and thought about Heaven, especially the return of Christ to take us home, I often thought to myself, "that will be so awesome, but I have to get married first." When I was engaged I thought, "I can't wait for that!...Except that I really want to know my husband first" (in the biblical sense. I said I would be honest, but my dad might read this or something, ew.) Once I was married I thought, "Dang, when Christ returns it will be so beautiful, but I really want to be a mom first." Since having a son, it was "yea great, except I want to see Lyric marry a ballar woman of God first."

Recently, with all the current events and happenings of this generation, I have found myself thinking "Where can we go? Where can we move that will shelter Lyric from all this?" and then...boom. This longing feeling, its for home. Home. Then last week during worship it really hit me. And no, I can't even tell you what song or what prayer or what scripture changed my heart.

If marriage is a tangible picture here on earth of the marriage between Christ and the church, then why am I so eager to wait and see Lyric take part in the knock-off? It will be a happy day when Christ comes back for us, but it will be exponentially more beautiful seeing Lyric join the bridegroom. I'm so thankful for this insight, but a little sad that it took becoming a parent to see. Being a mom has given me this new and fresh desire for whats best instead of what feels best. This new gift of insight about the coming of Christ is just that, a gift; but its also a challenge to seek the perfect will of God for myself, not just for my children. (those born and yet to be born)

Thanks for letting me be honest.