I have a reason to sing
I LOVE the song "Desert Song." If you haven't listened to it, do so. If you haven't jammed out to it in worship or on a drive alone in your car, you are missing out. During my deepest and saddest mourning of our miscarriage I sang "all of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" because I knew it was true, not because it felt true. But now, on the other side of the storm of grief, I feel it to be as true as I knew (know) it was. Something devastating did happen, the worst sort of news had been delivered and I had a reason to sing! At first I sang with hope, hope of things to come, hope that one day I would sing and feel again. Now I can sing with joy.
I wrote the previous paragraph months ago. Going back and rereading drafts that were never completed, I came upon it. I have been able to sing with joy for awhile now. Joy that I feel. Now as I am waiting (not with great patience) for our daughter to come into the world...I sing for joy. But I am so thankful that my joy doesn't require her existence. I am so tearfully thankful that I had a reason to sing before I got what I wanted. I'm so glad that one day I can tell our son and daughter that in the face of heartbreak they can sing. They have a God wholoves them and who defeated death for them, and that their hope doesn't have to be in the temporal pleasures they experience now. I'm so relieved that I know the hope and truth and joy and rich rich love that came out of our loss. I'm so humbled that He chose to show me the greater depths of His sacrifice and His love-- out my hurt, out of my heartbreak, out of my shock, out of my tears. I look back on the past year (nearly to the day), and I so cherish all the change.
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified. (Isaiah 61:1-3 ESV)