Potty training, book review and the Gospel.

Oh what a week! I've literally fallen asleep earlier, faster, and more deeply then I ever have. This week has just been stinking exhausting. I've been potty training Lily this week. So that translates into:

-So much urine. So. Much. Urine. (yea I said urine on purpose, because "pee pee" makes it sound like it's less gross. It's not less gross when it comes from your own child, it's just less avoidable when it comes from your own child.)
-Juggling bored-out-of-their-minds little boys who are looking for some negative attention if it's all they can get.
-Cleaning, cleaning cleaning.
-Emotional energy to cheer Lily on, to congratulate her, and finding the balance between correction and emotional support when she has accidents. (Lord, help her. She is just like me, she HATES it when she doesn't do anything everything perfectly on her own.)
-So much cleaning, and yet never enough.
-Patience.
-Poop.
-No going out. AKA no having fun.
-Coming to the end of myself....riding the cycle of "I"m not a good mom" all the way back around to "Thank you Jesus for your grace."

I've been reading the book Glimpses of Grace: Treasuring the Gospel in Your Home by Gloria Furman. It has been the perfect week for her gospel reminders. I wish I could share all my highlighted quotes and passages from this book but a couple stand out and they have pushed me away from my week and into the arms of Jesus...so I think that's worth sharing.

"But something inside me said that controlling my circumstances wouldn't fill the void in my soul. You can't organize your way into communion with God." Furman, loc 928

This ^ was crazy convicting to me. Organization and tidiness in my mind are the keys to a meadow of happiness and rainbows. I LOVE a well cleaned kitchen like a pig loves slop. But I can't control my way into the presence of God and I can't scrub my way into His Peace. I can't earn His love with a million gold stars on a million charts. 

"We have opportunities every day to delight in God. We're surrounded by the circumstances he has ordained for our sanctification. God's grace to us in Christ gives us assurance to follow him where he leads, even when it's into awkwardness, hard work, and pain." Furman, loc 876

-Hard things are often the best things (or in the case of potty training...the necessary things). Always so good to be reminded to delight in God and to keep a grateful heart that He would desire to sanctify me.

So if this was a book review...which I guess it's kind of a potty training review and a book review oddly rolled into one...I give it the highest thumbs up. Well better put, this book is encouraging me in the midst of potty training, and that's saying something.

Unfaithful Swingsets

This morning we woke up to a flood. Our (at least) yearly backyard flood from the creek behind our house struck again! We've seen it sweep away our play/swing sets last summer, but it didn't matter a whole bunch partly because we were in shock and also the kids weren't really old enough to enjoy it yet. But this morning, I was just short of devastated when I saw that our swing set had disappeared and our little plastic climber thing was wrapped around a tree next door. Unlike last time, this time around I'm not so naive to believe that our plastic swing set could survive an upheaval of that magnitude unharmed. We were able to repair the swing set to a point of reasonable safety the last time. This time I just really doubt we will find it in one piece.

*shaking my metaphorical fist* Darn you stupid rain! Darn you stupid flood! Darn you...playset. You stole my heart in one hundred moments of swinging and imagination and you didn't have the gumption to stay. I know it's a silly thing to be upset about, not to mention both pieces were generously handed down to us by friends. We haven't lost any money on our end, the flood didn't seep into our home. But that little booger of a swing set...when it sailed away it broke my little mommy heart. I tried so so hard to remind myself that we have so much to be grateful for, that in the big picture of the Kingdom our swing set is of little consequence, and that God is even sovereign over Lyric, Lily, and Fletcher's childhood (even if it does have to be swing less and that seems like a tragedy to me). But honestly, it wasn't until my husband turned his computer screen toward me and my coffee which was becoming cold, that I felt better. He found a swing set that we can afford in the relatively near future  and looks sturdy enough to be loyal to the family that dadgum loves it and gives it a home. Tsk tsk old swing set.

I hate that flood.

 ~and by the way I hate how freakishly long thunder rolls are around here...it just splits the nerves of us gals from Tornado Valley...at what point in world's longest thunder roll do I decide that wait...that is actually a tornado and I need to scoop three children from their beds upstairs and go hide in the basement? Oh wait....I would have been Dorothy-ed by that point. So. Annoying.~

But I've been relishing today's temperatures in the 70's on the first day of July and the sweet smells that permeated the air after the rain fell. I also finished a wonderful book today (the second one in two and half weeks, that's a record for me!) called A Broken Kind Of Beautiful. So today has had it's ups and downs. Now excuse me while I go hunt for a mangled swing set. 

Indoor (Survival) Activities

So being a writer who can't look at a computer screen is problematic. It's kinda frustrating, but out of my fear and trembling of another migraine I will not look at another computer screen today. I can tell my brain is still...tender. So I'm sitting here audio recording my next blog like a dweeb. Yes, a dweeb because nerds have become cool and I really really don't feel cool right now. But nevertheless, I've been thinking today about what indoor activities I do with my kids. A friend asked me recently to make a list and post it, and after my poor husband had to be stuck inside alone all day with our three littles I thought it might be a good time to share a survivors guide to indoor activities with little kids.

Keeping My Head Down

Remember that time that I love Easter a lot but I didn’t really tell anyone that there was an Easter post on the blog? Usually I share on all social media outlets whenever I publish a new post to the blog. But getting the word out was the last thing on my mind this year, I was too busy with a great Easter weekend and family time to remember to “share.” I haven’t checked yet, but I’m willing to bet that only a few people saw the Easter post and my stats were low, but it’s a price I gladly paid. Being present is so much more life giving than being popular.

Let Them Love You

Austin and I are reading a parenting book. It is amazing and so convicting about so much more than the way we parent. But all this parenting stuff has had my mind so centered on what I am doing, what I am teaching, what I am enforcing, what I am giving, what my role is in the lives of our kids, but I realized that being their mom is not just about what I do. I think our society has such a twisted view of parenthood, they see kids as a burden that we have to reluctantly take on in order to complete the “American dream.” I even came across this video, which is made for comical purposes…but what does it say about our excitement to raise children and include them in our lives?

Disclaimer: This video does have a naughty word. So just...yea be mindful. Also, I don't want to convey any sense of "everyone should have kids now!" so just calm down. I appreciate all stages and seasons of life and don't think that being a parent makes anyone "better." OK. So just...calm down.

Why does society view family like this? Partly it’s because without Christ as the center of anything…it’s only driven by self-seeking “me” centered ambition. But partly, it’s because as parents we have all been guilty of seeking to vent and commiserate about parenthood (because it is really hard work!) and have left out all the good parts. Any mom could write forever trying to explain “the good parts,” but instead I’ll just tell you two little bitty stories. The first story is what led me down this trail of thoughts, which will lead me to the second story.

A few days ago, my kids were a couple hours into their favorite pass time: taking all the cushions and pillows off the couches in the playroom and making a huge pile out of them. They invited me to come down and get a ride on their cloud. So as I was almost literally floating on a cloud with my kids, I laid back onto my sweet girls lap and she started playing with my hair. She was so sweet and gentle; she wasn’t trying to get my hair crazy (which is always so fun); she was being loving and affectionate. She didn’t want anything from me; she just wanted to love on me. Then I remembered a time, the only time, Lyric had done this. There has been one isolated occurrence of Lyric playing with my hair gently. Usually he is either trying to make my hair crazy and weird, or he is trying to pull out a ponytail (because there was a phase when he would start crying and saying “Not like that mom! I don’t like your hair like that!” whenever I would pull it back. I guess it’s not my best look?) But during my pregnancy with Lily, I had migraines almost every day for three months. Eventually the migraines had three categories. 1.Full blown, take me to the doc and get me that shot that makes me puke and feel drunk…it would be worth it right now. 2. Definitely a migraine, but if I turn off all lights I can bear to lay on the couch and let Lyric watch TV all day long. 3. The beginning of a migraine, if I go and sleep and do my ice pack and Tylenol #3 (with caffeine) I think I will be ok in a couple of hours. I was in a category 2 migraine on this particular day. I laid on the floor and put my head on a pillow and just cried. I was in pain all the time and missing out on so much time with Lyric and Austin and I felt so lonely because I never felt well enough to go on a social outing. Little bitty 15-month-old Lyric toddled over and sat down right above my head on the pillow. As he reached out for my head I winced and said “No no buddy! Mommy is hurting.” But he leaned over my forehead and kissed me and then stroked my head gently from my temples to the back of my head and smoothed down my hair. He sat there like that and did that for ten minutes...that's a long time for a newly walking little boy. (and by the way, I’m totally crying right now writing out this cherished memory). I felt so loved by my son. I felt taken care of. I felt less alone. That little boy, my little boy…he loves me. He loves me so much. And I almost missed it because I was just being a mommy and didn’t think that he might actually have something to offer me.

Most of the time I’m spending and giving and working hard. And it is hard, parenting isn’t supposed to be a blow off thing. But during all my toiling their love for me is the strong and pure. And on occasion they minister to me and give and share and those moments are more precious than rare jewels. Don’t let parental exhaustion (whether it’s experienced firsthand, or you just witness it in your friends who have kids) overshadow the bliss and blessing that comes from cuddling with those little people who love with complete abandon, who us give their whole hearts and build their whole lives on us…their parents.

Recently after I said I had three little ones, a woman reacted by saying “You are a rich woman.” And she was so right. And I’m so sad that everyone doesn’t see it that way. Children are a rich blessing and not one that should be taken for granted. In the midst of your working…let them love you.

When All You've Got Is Jesus

  

When your drained and running on fumes, and the days are long and the winter is cold. Sometimes in those moments Jesus is all there is. When your spouse is crashing down from the week and your crawling out of this week’s pit, there isn’t a lot you can do for each other but hope to meet somewhere in the middle. When the kids are being kids and swinging on your mood swings, the patience runs thin and the energy is low. When the sunset is dull and the coffee is inadequate, then excitement is trampled and survival is the goal. When “run down” and “worn” and “thin” and “empty” are the only adjectives in your mind, where do you go from there?

In those moments, I’ve found myself thinking  “I guess Jesus is what I’ve got today.” I think that to myself as if it’s a bad sign, as if on the days where all I’ve got is Jesus—I’m defeated. But He answers me sweetly “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, ESV)

In Jesus all needful things are laid up for you. Then enjoy your continual allowance. Never go hungry while the daily bread of grace is on the table of mercy.  ~C.H. Spurgeon

When all you’ve got is Jesus, you’ve got quite a lot.

Lily in Winter

There are three winter things I am more thankful for than anything else in the world. In sequential order: my marriage (December 13), then Lily (February 15), and then little Fletch (February 19). And today I’m most thankful for that sassy pants sweet girl since after all, it was two years ago today that she made her way in typical Lily fashion. She is the only child that gave me totally debilitating migraines for three months of my pregnancy, the only child who broke my water at home, and she was the easiest and sweetest delivery. Very Lily of her. She caused a stink, made herself known, and then was so sweet that we didn’t mind at all. Because of all the migraines I had very strongly suspected that she was in fact…a she. Since I had only a handful of “normal” migraines in my pregnancy with Lyric, I just knew that there had to be a gal in there messing up my already fragile hormone/headache situation. As soon as our ultrasound showed us her little lady parts I started crying and said “I knew it was her. It’s Lily.”

My sweet and sassy (I’m not just saying that because it is a common pairing of characteristics, this girl is 100% sweet and 100% sassy) little girl has changed our family beyond what words could describe. In her I see my own strengths as well as some future “growth areas” for Lily and past/current areas for me to grow in. She is thoughtful and cautious, but still brave within her own timing. She is funny, but unaware of how funny she is. She is sweet and such a little cuddle bug and quality time girl. She is stubborn and sure of herself, but takes time to warm up to new people. When I look at Lily, I see a tiny peanut who loves the girly girl things of life: getting nails painted, having her hair done at my vanity in front of the mirror, dressing up like a princess. But she makes the best little sound effects for cars, trains, rockets, dinosaurs, and monsters. She keeps up with Lyric playing rough and tumble in the playroom, all while mothering baby Fletcher and keeping a close eye on him. Once I even caught her pointing her finger at both brothers who were sitting on the ground as she towered over them (all 2 inches of her) saying “Obey me. OBEY….ME!” I have no idea where she got that phrase as my children obey perfectly and by instinct, I never have to remind them to do so.

Lily has enriched our family, while bringing a little delicacy to the scene. When I picture her saying “Yeah” and her little grunty elongated giggle I can’t hide my grin. She is a precious and unique little girl and she is my very very favorite thing on this cold February 15^th.

Winter Sunrises

So there is one thing that I’ve loved from the earliest days of this winter. I know this as fact, because I wrote it about it in my spiral on October 17^th, long before I knew what I was in for this winter. The thing I’ve loved this entire winter is that in this season I can see the sunset from my dining room every morning. During the other seasons of the year I can’t really see it because there is too much foliage in the way and also because it comes at an unspeakably early hour during the summer. I love the leaves and I miss how promising and lush and bright they are in the spring. I love how the summer breeze blows them around so they look like shiny green sequins. I love how resilient and bold and beautiful they are in autumn. But even though all that is true, I love when they fall in the winter because I can see everything so clearly. Because in winter, when my heart inevitably breaks a little saying goodbye to the colors, my view becomes clear and I experience the best sunrises. I know that it’s only because of the desolate barren of winter that I appreciate the sunrise so much. When the trees have full branches of leaves for my eyes to feast on, I don’t even look for the sunrise. Yet, even the most gorgeous trees cannot compare to the morning fire ablaze in the sky.

I need that fire burning low in the sky floating just above the ice. I need the reminder that even in the most bitter seasons there is beauty, even if I can only see it through one window. And surely if such radiance can show its face on the worst days, then how much more can I find joy in the day-in an day-out annoyances. Surely I can get past the bulky coats and the constant losing of mittens and the tantrums thrown because “No, you can’t walk on the ice by yourself,” and the cabin fever and salt stains everywhere. If God can evoke such paradise in the sky when it feels like the clouds themselves might be frozen, then I think I can endure the herding of children to be loaded into the car. (Seriously, someone should do an experiment. Which is harder, herding kittens or toddlers?) I’m so thankful for the sunrise on winter mornings. I’m so smitten with the myriad of colors in the sky when everything else has been stripped of its shade.

13 Reasons Why #RealLifeIsBetter

#RealLifeIsBetter

This is probably the least pinnable, retweetable, or shareable blog post your gonna find. It’s not going to be crazy spreadable online, cause what I’m gonna be saying…it’s kinda like biting the hand that feeds you. Or should I say the monster that doesn’t actually feed you at all. What I’m saying is: let’s be conquerors over the internet, let’s keep social media in its proper place, let’s pursue balance and self control, let's stop reading meme’s and get back to reading books, let’s form our own opinions, let's put our phones down and spend time with real people.  Now come on doesn’t that sound like fun? Alright, so I’ll give you a little context to my new crazy radical approach to life.

On December 28^th Austin and I decided to delete all social media apps from our phones until January 2, 2014. It only took about twelve hours of detox for us to come to the conclusion that we needed some permanent changes.

Here's the top 13 reasons that came flooding in during that detox period:

1.     I don’t need to share all my quirky, clever, or cute thoughts under 140 characters with the world.

2.     It is the exception rather than the rule that thoughts under 140 characters are valuable enough to share with the world.

3.     The more I “share” the less self awareness I see in my life.

4.     If you asked our kids to draw a picture of us during lunchtime or downtime, it would be of us scrolling through our phones.

5.     When I ask myself the question, “who am I becoming?” from constant social media use, the answer is a whole lotta ME.

6.     When I ask myself who I want to be like…the answer is a whole lotta less of ME and a bunch bunch more of Christ.

7.     I don’t like your kids more than mine, I guarantee it. Yet I ignore my own so that I can look at the pictures you posted or the funny story you shared. I like my kids, so I want to soak up the most of them I possibly can.

8.     I’ve recently been vocal about my loneliness as a stay at home mom, and I just realized that a contributor to my loneliness is the false sense of belonging and community that social media feeds me. I want the real thing, and social media should only serve as one of several tools to get me to real relationships.

9.     Because no one ever gets to the end of their life and wishes for less time or more internet or cooler photos.

10.  Because my kids aren’t boring, my husband isn’t boring, and I’m not searching for anything better….so I’m going to stop living like I am.

11. Selfies. The worst thing to come from this technological era. Now listen, I have posted and will in the future inevitably post an occasional selfie. Sometimes being in a cool new place or trying out a new hairstyle or doing something really funny are all good decent reasons to OCCASSIONALLY post a selfie. But seriously the shameless self-promoting mindset that the selfie culture has conjured up is just ridiculous. Dial it back a notch…please. I’m begging.

12. Because “back in my day” when I was single and on my own in college, I have such fond memories of being ALONE. Going out to dinner…alone, going to coffee…alone, going for a drive…alone, sitting in a well light and frequently populated park….alone. I cleared my mind, I thought, I “people watched”, I dreamed for my future, I prayed through my present. Being alone is a gift that social media has stripped us of.

13. Because REAL LIFE IS BETTER than life online.

So that’s my abridged version. I hope that in my brevity I wasn’t offensive. I would be happy to elaborate on any of these points, just leave me a comment and we can open up a discussion! The internet and social media are not the bad guys of life, but when we let social media control our life….we are letting the tail wag the dog as some of my friends would say.

Here are the ways this revelation will be applied in my life:

-       -No more personal twitter account. You can follow the Bird in a twitter, and that will be getting a tad more use. But I’m cutting the Katy Tullos account.

-      - No more facebook or pinterest apps on my phone. I will be keeping my facebook because it is a great way to stay connected to friends and family, but my time will be limited to intentional times on my computer. Pinterest is the thief in the night of my time…from now on I will also be using Pinterest for intentional times for recipe searches and outfit ideas here and there.

-       -More play time with my kids (and I’ve found I’m very impressive with a tub of play dough!). I’ve found that the more available I am, the more often the kids invite me into their world. Like literally…they ask me to join them more now than they did when my phone was glued to my hand.

-       -No phone during husband/wife tv time. Hey these shows are actually pretty good and way more fun when we experience them together to the fullest.

-       -Instagram will remain as is.

Will anyone out there join me in this endeavor? Let’s get back to making memories and worry a little less about capturing a bunch of half lived moments.

Like A Sojourner

3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,  Hebrews 1:3

The morning after our nine month old barely escaped stitches from a fall on my watch, I clung to the covers gripped between guilt and fear. It was all I could do to stay in bed and replay my worries like a bad vacation slide on repeat. Guilt, because like I said, he was under my care when he fell. A million doubts and comparisons filled my mind. Do I give my kids too much freedom? Would this have happened to So&So who is much more cautious than me? Fear, because I taught myself to memorize the creeping doom of the realization that what seemed like nothing, was actually something serious. When our firstborn, Lyric, was three weeks old he had unexpected surgery to correct a condition called Pyloric Stenosis. A surgery that he probably needed earlier than he got, all because I kept insisting that he wasn't spitting up as much as it seemed like. I was so determined not to be the mom who freaks out, so determined to keep my composure. Granted, he still got the treatment he needed and he was totally fine. But any time one of my kids is sick or hurt, I’ve never escaped that little voice in the back of my mind that whispers "But remember that one time?" 

Under the sheets that morning I begged like a sojourner at a stranger’s door. I pleaded for Him to shelter me and protect me from my fear. Like a blizzard blowing in cold and quick, it was chasing me and closing in on me. I begged that He would let me in to warm myself by the glow of His radiance. I was nurtured by the very moment the door began to crack open. Overwhelmed by the senses of Home, the sounds of laughter and life, the taste of hot biscuits and honey, I knew I would weather the storm. I was affectionately taken in and had forgotten about the threats of the cold lies that blew violently against the windows.  The panes could rattle and shake all they wanted, but I was safe now. I was out of harm's way and could take off my mittens and all my layers, and sit, welcomed by a fire that had a place for me.

The wasteland of guilt and fear will always be ready for me. It will always be beckoning me to come out and dwell there; to let my comparisons and my doubts run wild. I’d never be alone in the wasteland, because some of you are there. Some of you got lost in the storm and it took everything from your heart. It took the joy of motherhood and replaced it with a measuring stick. It took the affection of a home filled with love and replaced it with rigidity and routine. It took the thrill of life and traded it with safety and comfort. I’ll miss you, but I won’t join you there. Come join me here, take a blanket and cover yourself with grace. There’s a spot here at the fire for you too.

Both And

Kids are in bed, dishes are done, The West Wing is NOT on via Netflix because Austin is not here to watch it with me, I’m suddenly exhausted. Too exhausted even, to comprehend the Awana Cubbies booklet that just came home with Lyric. When something is entitled “Appleseed,” I’m sure that they mean it to be an easy read. For the life of me, I can’t figure out where his sticker should be or if there was something I was supposed to do differently, or is it a stick or a patch? Anyway. That all being said, this is probably the best opportunity to write I will get all week. Lily had horrendous, nasty pink eye this week, but we also got to eat ice cream and dance to Cinderella’s “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.” So all in all, it’s been a week. Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday. So what no one tells you about motherhood, the thing that no one says, but every mom secretly knows at baby showers….Ok pause. Before I say it, I have something else to add. I think for most women being a mom falls into one of two initial ideas. One idea is that being a mom is the best and most fulfilling and wonderful thing ever. The second idea is that being a mom is so hard, and so overwhelming and at times the grossest, most stressful thing ever.

So here is my big reveal. Being a mom is THE hardest, grossest, most stressful thing ever AND it is THE most wonderful, life giving, fulfilling, beautiful thing ever. (Admit it, when you read that sentence ((terrible grammar as it was)) you sided with one idea more than the other right?) Being a mom means that you have this tiny person or people, who need you more than anyone has ever needed you. They depend on you, they love you, and their whole life is built upon what you have to offer.  No one ever tells you that once you find out you are bringing a new life into your family; you will be in an unending catch 22. But you a really are, my friend, you so are. You will want to protect and love and be with this person forever all the time, and you will day dream of freedom in the form of a quiet afternoon alone at a coffee shop. You will cry when you drop them off, finally get used to being apart, be reminded of their little quirks, begin down a trail of “I wonder what they are doing right now,” moving on to “I hope that they did this, or not that, or aren’t such and such.” Finally, ending at “I can’t wait to see them,” and then coming right back to “When can we do that again?” It’s insane really. But if you have ever been in love, you know that some types of insanity are so worth it. Certain illogistics are the truest parts of life. (Did I just do that? Yea, I made that word y’all.)

That’s what the world doesn’t quite get. That’s what I didn’t get, until I was pulled in. There is nothing else in life that is as completely and honestly tiring, yet amazingly fueling. I’ve never given more of myself than in the last three years, and I’ve never found more of myself than I have in the past three years. 

I Don't Know How You Do It: Easter's Victory

Recently (and by recently I mean because winter is finally fading and I'm finally coming out of hibernation with all three kids in tow) I've been asked one resounding question...like a lot. "How do you do it?" Well, let me tell you.

I do it because God called me to it. And because he called me to it, He will equip me for it. And I know that I have the strength to endure it because He does. And I can do it, because Jesus is victorious over all!

And that's how this just became my Easter post.

I know it might seem like I'm over spiritualizing, but honestly--if I don't get this Truth every single day, then I'm not "doing it" or at least I'm not doing it well. If the victory of Jesus becomes something I take for granted then, not only, am I not doing it...I'm missing it. The moment I realized and took on my motherhood as my greatest calling and most important ministry "obligation," I started becoming aware of the crazy endless supply that was available to me every day and every moment. It's just as urgent and real as a young woman moving over seas to pursue her ministry as a missionary, or a pastor studying and teaching and leading, or a worship leader writing new songs and leading a congregation---that is the realness and the seriousness with which I should approach my calling. If I said to you, "My ministry is with these three unbelievers that live with me. They need help with basic life skills and are in desperate need for love and nurturing. They only know what I have told them and shown them of Jesus and the gospel."....I mean that kind of puts it in perspective right? The calling on mothers is real.

But this is where the very best part comes in. If Jesus was victorious over sin and death, then can't I trust Him to be victorious over naptime and tantrums and The Cat in the Hat (for the one millionth time) and loading up three under three in the car by myself? Can't I trust him to give me everything I need for that day? Can't I trust that even though I work so hard that I can absolutely bathe in joy simultaneously? Can't I trust that even when I miserably fail at motherhood, He isn't done with me?  If I really truly believe that Jesus defeated the grave on my behalf so that I would have abundant life, then shouldn't life reflect that abundance?

That's how I do it. I don't do it.

Where Do I Put My Hands?

Baby number 3 is born! Fletcher Colby Tullos was welcomed into our lives at 12:09am Tuesday, February 19th weighing 6lbs 12oz and 20 inches long. The last three weeks have been wonderful. Fletcher is the most perfect chill baby. And for all the people who say that bringing the third one home is the easiest, they were totally right. Austin and I are both secure about who we are as parents and that has made all the difference in bringing home a newborn. But regardless of how wonderful the past three weeks have been, there have still been some major adjustments.

First of all--lets just address this with a little humor shall we? I'm sure we can all think up like a million things that are harder or more chaotic about life with three. Let's just let all of that go without saying.

1. Where do I put my hands now? I was just at a wedding and while I was standing there catching up with friends I had a super awkward moment when I felt like my hands had morphed into huge Mickey Mouse cartoon glove hands...and I had no where to put them. Minus three months, I had been pregnant for almost two years! No matter how tiny your belly is, when pregnant, your hands get to rest on your belly, or rub it, or hold your lower back for extra support. It's one of the perks of pregnancy (which still does not make up for the fact that you can't have any sushi for nine months). Not having a baby in the ole uterus is forcing me to retrain my whole posture and learn how to stand and talk like a normal adult again.

2. How much caffeine is too much caffeine? I don't know. When I stop and ask myself this question, I have a cup of coffee and think it over. Then I decide that was a stupid question.

3. What day is it?

4. I have got to stop forgetting when I am watching a recorded show on my DVR during a late night feeding. When the weather man says "Several more inches of snow expected tomorrow!"...that doesn't really mean actual tomorrow. Calm down.

5. The biggest adjustment I've had to make since bringing Fletch home is a mental and emotional one. I was so totally unprepared for all the joy and all the love and all the goodness. And yep, it's harder and crazier and busier--but all the joy and all the good stuff just overshadows it all so much. It's just not a thing. I mean...it's a thing and it's real....but come on...no one who has lived it would trade it and there is a reason. I know I'm only three weeks in, but what I'm lacking in experience can be counteracted by what I'm lacking in sleep. So I think I have ground to stand on when I say I really do actually love our crazy 3 under 3 life.

Now excuse me...my daughter is licking the hinge on our back door....got to run!

And baby makes 4! (or 5, or more!)

I'm flattered to announce that I have been awarded a Liebster blog award! It is an informal nomination from other bloggers, but one I will gladly accept. I now have to nominate 3 blogs under 3,000 followers that I would like to nominate for the Liebster, so be looking for that at the end of this post. 

On the heels of my blog posts about our unexpected third pregnancy, I thought this would be a great time to write about the transition from one kid to multiple kids. I'm sure I'll have even more to say on the subject after Fletcher joins us at home. For now I mainly wanted to touch on some practical things, but lots of emotional elements of adding kids too. I can't tell you how many of my friends (both real and through social media) are pregnant, adopting, or looking to foster their second child.  For those of my friends coming up on their due dates its a time filled with emotions both happy and sad, nervous and excited. This time last year, I was so ready to have Lily, I wanted to meet her so badly, I was so excited to have a little girl, and anticipating seeing Lyric in his role as big brother. At the same time I was nervous because I was afraid that somehow by bringing a new baby home I would not have as much attention for Lyric or love for Lily. I was sad that my special time with Lyric was ending and I thought our relationship would never be the same. I did realize that Lyric, by being the first born, was the only kid who would ever know what it was like not to share me with any siblings. Some of the things that helped me with the transition were things that other moms helped me see, some things that God gave me to live by, and some things that I just picked up along the way. Because this post is specifically written for those of you who already have at least one kiddo, I’ll do it in outline form. ;)

Great Expectations- Setting realistic expectations is the key to embracing most big changes in life, as you know if you have been married for longer than a few months. Use your mind, not your emotions. Don’t let Pinterest set the standard for your expectations. Let God’s word and character shape the desires of your heart. Expect to be emotional for a bit, expect there to be at least a little chaos, expect “survival mode” and not much more. If you are one of those moms who can still cook and clean and bring a newborn into the family, great for you. Most of us aren’t that mom, most of us will survive and in a few weeks/months we will return to thriving in a state of routine and a resemblance of order in our homes.

The Beloved Firstborn(s)- I think a lot of us get scared, nervous, and overly sentimental about the last months, weeks, and days we have to pour out all our love and attention on our first little ones (if you are wondering about the plural nature of these first ones, its for my girl Camie and all you mommies of twins) Even preparing for our third born I find myself a little torn over wishing I had more time to get to know Lily and excitement to welcome Fletcher to our fold. But the truth is, that even though you will be distracted in the first week or two, you will very quickly acclimate and have just as much attention and love for your older child. If you are a little sad because you are afraid things will never be the same, you are right. Life will never ever be the same it WILL be better. As much chaos as there has been, as many bad days, as many times as I’ve had two crying little ones on my hands…I have never ever wished for the way things used to be. (And don’t worry, the bad days are still far out numbered by good days!) Our family is so much better and richer and complex and laughy and silly and deeper because of Lily. And honestly, your oldest will also always be the furthest developed, and as a result will still get tons of your attention and play time. Plus, just remember the only child who ever knows what its like not to share you is the firstborn. All the other kids to come won’t even know that reality, its more normal to share you than not to. (Unless you only have one kid, in that case…why are you still reading this post? …I tease…but seriously)

“How will I do it?”- I think that every mom bringing home a newbie asks herself this question, regardless of how many she has brought home before. This is a question that pops into my mind sporadically. Well honestly, with this current pregnancy being such a shock, this question was just about the only thing on my mind for the first two months. I’ve dealt with it, but it still sneaks in every once in awhile. Just remember, there was a time in your life when you didn’t know how to be a spouse, there was a time when you didn’t know how to do pregnancy or birth or adoption, there was a time when you didn’t know what to do with a baby/toddler/kid—but it worked out, and it is probably still working itself out. When this question was swirling around my head on nights that I couldn’t sleep I thought that I had to have an actual answer. Then one day someone asked me in all seriousness how we were going to do it…that was when I realized, there is not an answer you can give yourself or anyone else. The answer is—we will give ourselves grace, take advice of those who have gone before (with a tablespoon of salt), and we will have faith that God planned this for our family so He will direct our paths and sustain us to walk it.

Should I Stay or Should I Go- Sometimes you need to hunker down and know that a bigger family sometimes means more limitations. You can’t get out and do stuff as easily as you could with no kids, or one, etc etc. But just as there are times when you need to just say no and stay home, the opposite also applies. Sometimes I catch myself feeling down for no reason and to top it off the kids are grumpy and awnry. Then I realize…oh yea we haven’t left the house in four days! That’s when we make a play date, or go to Chickfila, or Target, or the park or library. Sometimes, your house starts to close in on you, then its time to get outta there! After the first month Lily was born, I was ready to be a little more active and the kids needed something too. So I loaded up the double stroller and twice a day went on a 30-minute walk. It was great for me and wonderful for them. It wasn't always easy, but so worth it!

Mommies, the biggest thing I can emphasize is this: Don’t listen to others when they say “wow you’ll be busy!” or “yea now just imagine this [tantrum, shopping, really any activity] with one more kid!” or “yea it will be really hard for awhile, but one day you’ll be glad.” Do listen to your husband and your kids. Commit to turning to God’s word before you turn to any other book or blog for help. Stay near to the one who created your growing family; you don’t need to be anxious. Everything else will work itself out.

I feel that to be really honest I should share that this blog took a few days to write, because…well sometimes I had to stop writing and read my advice back to myself ;)

So I am supposed to nominate blogs with less than 3,000 followers. I can't do that. What I will do is share my favorite favorite blogs in my feed:

http://www.babywisemom.com
http://morninggrunge.wordpress.com
http://notyetfully.blogspot.com

Struggle or surrender

So, if you have been following my blog over the past couple of years, you know that I have been very honest about the good, the bad, and the funny parts of my life. I have been mushy and lovey about my awesome husband. I have used my misfortunes and misadventures to get a laugh. I've told you about my tat (yea I'm hardcore haha). I've been transparent about the pain of my miscarriage and my battle against self loathing and body image after having my son.  Well I had an amazing sweet silly baby girl 3 months ago (after much impatience for labor to start) and I have been determined to stay out of the chains I once found myself in. I prayed hard before her birth that I would not be defined by the size, shape, or weight I was left in. I sought out accountability to keep my actions in check. I have even decided that every time I go to try on clothes at stores I will first look myself in the mirror and audibly say "This doesn't define you. The way these clothes fit or look is not your identity." I have been more honest with my husband and confessed to him when I find myself feeding lies during the day. I have taped scriptures all over the edges of our bathroom mirror to replace lies with Truth. And with all this...it is still hard. Thank the Lord that I do feel like I am on the winning side of the battle this time, but the other day in worship at our church I found myself thinking "I thought it would be easier to fight against this stuff." But that's the thing, fighting sin is fighting sin. Engaging in war is far far better than just surrendering myself to being a prisoner, but that doesn't mean it is easy.

Once when we were newly married, Austin was trying to explain men and their constant battle against lust so that I could understand a little better. He told me that every man struggles with lust. And if a man isn't struggling against it, then he is surrendering to it. But struggling doesn't mean losing. Struggling can mean winning....but that victory doesn't come easy and it doesn't ever bring that struggle to an end. As long as we are on earth, men will have to make the choice to surrender to Christ or surrender to lust.

I think for most women, at least for me... as long as I'm here on earth I will have to choose to surrender to Christ or surrender to every lie about my body in connection to my worth and my value. I'm winning, but it is a constant wrestling match. I know that there will be seasons of life when the fight isn't so bad and won't really need much attention from me, but right now that fight has to be intentional. That is just where I am. It feels good to fight. It feels good to take the side of Truth. It feels good to not be a victim to the Enemy's lies and my own self hatred. It feels heavy and wonderful to know that the way I fight now, will be the heritage of either love or hate I can leave my daughter. I can show Lily how wonderful it is to be thankful for the personality, heart, dreams, talents, and health that God blessed her with.

**In the midst of all this fighting I have been endlessly searching for podcasts and books and any resources I can find from Christian women I respect about this very thing. What I am finding is that there is so much out there for our daughters and teenagers, which is awesome! But just because you get married and become a mom doesn't mean you don't need a little help out too. No one really talks about that, I think because 1.As moms/wives we honestly do have much more demanding our energy and don't have to face bullying from our peers about our bodies anymore, but 2. We aren't helping each other out! The response I got after sharing my story after the birth of our son was mostly from wives or moms! Hello! That tells me a lot. It tells me that we aren't doing a big part of our job as the body of Christ. Sometimes you wake up and need encouragement and sometimes you wake up and feel equipped to encourage, so stop being so quiet! 

Oh Poo

This post is mainly written for my sweet and sassy friend Adrienne. She once confessed to me that she secretly (sorry Aige, I guess the secret is out) wished little mishaps and misadventures on me because she loves reading and/or hearing my over-dramatic and ridiculous recounts of them. 


So recently I was changing Lyric's diaper, a very poopie and fully loaded diaper, and it was just like any other changing--at first. Like any other changing because Lyric squirmed and half-rolled over as I attempted to clean and re-diaper him, as usual I had to put a toy right on his chest, forcing him to lay straight on his back to play with it. All went well...a diaper change success! Then something happened (and I don't say "something" because I am trying to build your curiosity, I honestly don't remember what exactly happened) I must have gotten a phone call or had to answer the door or sign for a delivery....something that required me to quickly wrap up the dirty diaper, abandon it, throw up the baby gate, and walk away briefly. After what could have only been 30 seconds, I walked back over to Lyric and saw him sitting up and so alert, cutely playing with a toy with all his concentration. At first I couldn't see what toy Lyric was playing with because of an ottoman thingy that was just barely disrupting my line of vision. Then, as I walked up close to Lyric and the presumed "toy," I was horrified. Lyric had unwrapped the dirty diaper (ok, yes..I know, at this point you think I am both a disgusting individual for leaving a dirty diaper on my floor and a horrible mom for leaving the diaper not only on the floor, but within reach of a child....try to push past those feelings), not only had he opened it, but he had discovered his very own homemade creation....poop. At this point he had two fistfuls of poop that he was watching himself squeeze and mold like play-dough. Oh and I should mention that our dog Max was totally in on the action, but he was much more concerned about the diaper full of free...food. Thank you God, Lyric had not thought to taste his new play thing. I rushed over and picked Lyric up carrying him outward and trying to hold his hands away from his mouth. Immediately went to the sink to wash the poop out and off of his hands. I hesitated...what would be worse? Switching venues thus delaying Lyric's hygienic needs for a moment and going to a bathtub or at least a bathroom sink to rinse away poop...or to take care of this where I am, the kitchen...a place where food is prepared and cooked but allowing me to clean my son as quickly as possible??? I choose the second, and found that washing the hands of a 7 month old who doesn't want them washed is near impossible. I must have washed his hands 20 times before I got all the poop out of every crevasse. Then it was my turn. And then back to the carpet and the dog.

We recovered and none of us got worms from our poop interaction, which...now that I think about it, is probably a miracle of sorts. So... I will leave you with this sentiment. No matter what comes up, no matter what distractions, no matter what emergency, always ALWAYS throw the dirty diapers away first.

Not cute shower head, not cute.

I'm on a blogging roll here, three posts in three days?!

So tonight we are going to Cedar Rapids, which is about 1.5 hours away to see Andrew Peterson play. This means I have to be on my A-game while Austin is at work. On the To-Do List (in chronological order) 1.Wake up (if you know me, you know that this is a to-do) 2.Play with Lyric and give him his "breakfast" 3.Make myself a healthy breakfast 4. Play with Lyric again 5.Take a shower 6.Put on face and fix hair 7.Give Lyric a bath 8. Start Laundry 9.Give Lyric "lunch" 10.Eat lunch 11.Update iphone 12. Put Lyric down for a nap/catch up on laundry and semi-packing for the night 13. Get dressed in cute outfit for cute family togetherness 14.Hit the rode!

So now that you know what my day consists of, you need to know what NOT CUTE thing happened. After #6 I thought to myself "wow this is possibly the best hair day I have had in a long time, yesss." (ok so pause. the arrangement on this blog is that i get to share my more shallow moments as well as deep ones and you can't judge. ok go.) So then I take out Lyric's cute little baby bathtub and set it in the bath tub. I turn on the water and...simultaneously realize "I don't think I pushed that shower/tub lever back down. I think that my head is out of the way." And....gush. On my head. Tons of water, because we just had to upgrade our shower head to have maximum pressure and coverage. Water ALL over my best hair day. Worse than it being a perfect hair day...it was already crossed off my list. Remember #6, yea I am on #7 now and don't have time to work in reverse.

So now, my sweet boy is squeaky clean and I think my hair survived after I rigorously tried to buff it dry (yes like a car wash) with a towel.

Good hair days turned into mediocre to poor hair days. This is the price we pay for motherhood.