Keeping My Head Down

Remember that time that I love Easter a lot but I didn’t really tell anyone that there was an Easter post on the blog? Usually I share on all social media outlets whenever I publish a new post to the blog. But getting the word out was the last thing on my mind this year, I was too busy with a great Easter weekend and family time to remember to “share.” I haven’t checked yet, but I’m willing to bet that only a few people saw the Easter post and my stats were low, but it’s a price I gladly paid. Being present is so much more life giving than being popular.
I feel like I should pause here and divulge that being present isn’t always easy, the lure of social media is always pulling me away. Doesn’t that just sound so ridiculous? And honestly, I can only be so transparent because I know that so many other people share the same struggle. But recently I’ve had renewed clarity about this stage of life. I’ve never hidden the fact that life with little bitty ones is so hard but also so wonderful. This season of life is so full of contradicting emotions. I was sitting with Austin the other night in our living room watching the kids. We let them run laps through the kitchen, through the living room, in front of the television, along the side of the dining room table and in the opposite kitchen door. They were giddy because our living room is usually only enjoyed by the adults unless there is a special occasion. As Lily pitter-pattered behind Lyric and Fletcher waddled an entire lap behind them both, I drank in both my exhaustion and my delight. So many times in this season I’ve felt the weight of my work load, I’ve played the victim in my own mind, I’ve drooled over my sick husband’s sick day, and I’ve wondered if I would ever be able to lift my eyes up from the grindstone. It seems like I rarely get to look up and like I’ll always be keeping my head down entrenched in mommy tasks.

But as I caught myself with my head just slightly tilted downward, my gaze fixed about five feet in front of me and two feet above the floor…a sobering reality hit me.  My eyes wont’ always have to look down to see them toddling around with fits of the giggles. My gaze will get higher and higher and one day I might even have to look up to those little children to look them in the eyes. In an instant I cherished this “keeping my head down” business. One day it won’t be so labor intensive, one day they won’t depend on me for everything, one day I will be able to pull my eyes up and slow down (or at least change course). But to sit with my man and watch them giggle and play and sometimes fight, it makes me want to keep my head down forever. It makes me wonder why I care so much about “looking up” and why I’m so concerned that I’m missing out on anything at all because I’m being a mom. This season of life where my gaze is low to the ground, it’s a once in a lifetime season. This tiny crick in my neck, it’s the evidence that my dreams are coming true every day. I can’t bear the idea that I’ll lift my head up one day. I tear up imagining the day in August when I have to open my palm and let go of Lyric’s little hand and watch him run into his preschool. And there it is… perspective: all this exhaustion and work is from chasing my best dreams, the dreams that were given to me. I’m keeping my head down because I’m giving this dream all I’ve got for as long as I can. Keeping my head down just doesn’t seem so unfair when I remember that one day I’ll have to look up.