Both And

Kids are in bed, dishes are done, The West Wing is NOT on via Netflix because Austin is not here to watch it with me, I’m suddenly exhausted. Too exhausted even, to comprehend the Awana Cubbies booklet that just came home with Lyric. When something is entitled “Appleseed,” I’m sure that they mean it to be an easy read. For the life of me, I can’t figure out where his sticker should be or if there was something I was supposed to do differently, or is it a stick or a patch? Anyway. That all being said, this is probably the best opportunity to write I will get all week. Lily had horrendous, nasty pink eye this week, but we also got to eat ice cream and dance to Cinderella’s “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.” So all in all, it’s been a week. Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday. So what no one tells you about motherhood, the thing that no one says, but every mom secretly knows at baby showers….Ok pause. Before I say it, I have something else to add. I think for most women being a mom falls into one of two initial ideas. One idea is that being a mom is the best and most fulfilling and wonderful thing ever. The second idea is that being a mom is so hard, and so overwhelming and at times the grossest, most stressful thing ever.

So here is my big reveal. Being a mom is THE hardest, grossest, most stressful thing ever AND it is THE most wonderful, life giving, fulfilling, beautiful thing ever. (Admit it, when you read that sentence ((terrible grammar as it was)) you sided with one idea more than the other right?) Being a mom means that you have this tiny person or people, who need you more than anyone has ever needed you. They depend on you, they love you, and their whole life is built upon what you have to offer.  No one ever tells you that once you find out you are bringing a new life into your family; you will be in an unending catch 22. But you a really are, my friend, you so are. You will want to protect and love and be with this person forever all the time, and you will day dream of freedom in the form of a quiet afternoon alone at a coffee shop. You will cry when you drop them off, finally get used to being apart, be reminded of their little quirks, begin down a trail of “I wonder what they are doing right now,” moving on to “I hope that they did this, or not that, or aren’t such and such.” Finally, ending at “I can’t wait to see them,” and then coming right back to “When can we do that again?” It’s insane really. But if you have ever been in love, you know that some types of insanity are so worth it. Certain illogistics are the truest parts of life. (Did I just do that? Yea, I made that word y’all.)

That’s what the world doesn’t quite get. That’s what I didn’t get, until I was pulled in. There is nothing else in life that is as completely and honestly tiring, yet amazingly fueling. I’ve never given more of myself than in the last three years, and I’ve never found more of myself than I have in the past three years. 

Unveiling Loneliness

I know I should be writing. But even though there are a lot of things that I have thoughts about, I don’t feel like there are many thoughts that fit into what I like to write about. I like to write about things that are resolved. I don’t like writing about things that are still fresh and ongoing for me. If this doesn’t make sense for you, go back and read some posts about how I hate being it’s hard for me to be vulnerable, mainly this post. Anyway, there is something that I know I probably should write about, because as I started sharing what I am going through with friends, they started sharing that they are going through something very similar. At first I just thought I was feeling isolated because of “this” or because of “that”….but what I am finding is that this isn’t a “this” or “that” thing, it’s a grown up woman thing. When I talk to grown up women, especially grown up women from 25-35 years old we all agree that loneliness is real. Loneliness is real, and usually to some degree, it is felt among the masses. Isn’t that ironic?

And see, here is where I get stuck. As a writer I get stuck because I don’t have any answers, not one single little answer. Ok I have an answer…but I should say that I don’t have any solutions or practical application. I am also stuck because I refuse, REFUSE, to write one of those “here is what I need you to know, and here is everything you, the world, are doing stuff wrong” posts. I just won’t blame all my problems on my readers and the world around me. And then the biggest reason I’m stuck is probably because the last thing I want is pity. (side note: growing up with a special needs sister, I’m so anti-pity I can’t even tell you…but that’s another post for another day) So…what I’m going to do is this, I’m going to share a few quotes from a book I’m reading (The Church Planting Wife by Christine Hoover), then I’m going to share a couple of tidbits from my heart, then we can call it a day and I’ll call it a post.

“In other words, we are not guaranteed or entitled to heart friends. They are gifts of grace, and when we catch glimpses of sisterly love, we must receive it as such with deep gratitude….We tend to believe the myth that friendship should be easy, requires little effort, or, most debilitating, that we’re the only one who is having such a hard time with friendship.” Hoover, 73.

“There is no ideal friend or church community. We can’t place unrealistic expectations on ourselves or on others, thinking that they will satisfy all our deepest longings for connections.” Hoover, 74.

~Realizing that I’m not alone, was the first breath of relief for me. So you aren’t alone either. Also, realizing that everyone has crazy schedules and everyone is exhausted at the end of the day, it’s not just poor little me who would rather lay on the couch and relax at night.

~Challenging myself to build an inner circle of a few friends who I trust to share the details of my life with and to build a really fun circle of many friends that I enjoy.

~ Waking up to the freedom that each person brings different things to the table. The only friend I have that brings everything to the table is Christ himself. The only person who comes second to that is the one I married…and it isn’t his fault that he doesn’t want to have girl talk at my beg and call. I’m learning to let each individual be a unique friend, not an all-encompassing friend.

Alright, now I get to hit “submit,” throw my hands in the air, and declare that I still hate being vulnerable. And that I’m not sure how cohesive this post even is. And yea…this is what it’s like seeing me face stuff in real time. Not so eloquent. Have a great day! And wish us luck, tomorrow we embark on a great adventure to take the kids to a movie for the first time. 

27, Flirty, and Thriving (dang I wish that rhymed)

Tomorrow I turn 27 years old. And today I accomplished a goal that I set two years ago, while I was pregnant with Lily. And this year was one of the best years of my life. Looking into what I thought this year would hold, I anticipated many hard days, but I never guessed the sum total would equal the best year. The best year. The most surprising year. The most demanding year. The growing pains year. The most humbling year. The sweetest year.

Ever since I was little I had this idea in my mind that being 27 years old would be “like so awesome.” It’s a sentiment very close to the idea that a young Jenna has about being 30, in the movie 13 Going on 30.  I always thought I would be so put together, I’d wear the cutest clothes (and for a time, I thought that meant tight mid drifts ((which I was not allowed to wear as a kid)) with over-all shorts and long hair that I would constantly be swishing back and forth like the best valley girl ever), I’d be dating or engaged to the most successful business man who wore a suit like a Ken doll, and I would drive a cherry red sporty car, I would have the coolest friends and we would do awesome things like roller skate and stay out all night.  But in all seriousness, 27 always seemed so illusive and so perfect. Now as I sit across from a little girl spilling and picking up popcorn over and over, a baby boy needing a nap, and my biggest little buddy runs around with a fresh haircut while my husband leads worship up at the church for one of three services this weekend….I know I was not only wrong about what the past year would be like, I have been wrong about everything I thought I wanted.

I thought that difficulty would always be bad. But ya know, this year I intentionally just let it sit. Just let it be, and gave myself the freedom to enjoy the big picture while I struggled through some zoomed in moments.  Below are a few highlights, a montage of the year if you will. You should start the youtube first and know that this would be my theme song for my montage, don't read into it--the song just gets me pumped up and the video makes me want to happy cry.

Crafting, Quilting, And Other Myths of Women's Ministry.

So usually my lack of writing is from lack of time. Lately though, it’s been a lack of decision making skills. Right now I feel passionate about so many things. Because I am chronically indecisive when it comes to trivial things (if you have ever EVER gone out to eat with me, or even through a drive thru with me…you know this), I’m forcing myself to just pick one and start writing. So, since I am awaiting the kick off of another ministry year as well as preparing to go to a great women’s event this evening and another in a week or so…I pick ministry! More specifically I pick ministry in the lives of women. Aka…women’s ministry.

Over the past few months I’ve had the chance to talk to women from all backgrounds, living in all different parts of the country, in all different stages of life. Some of them are heavily involved in the church (my beautiful pastors wife sisters….haha I almost wrote sister wives, definitely not the same thing!), some  of them are deeply committed to the Church via para-church organizations, some of them aren’t so crazy about the Church.  But all these women love Jesus. Most of them love the Church. Only a handful love women’s ministry.

Some of you just cringed when you read the words “women’s ministry.” How do I know that? Because there was a time many moons ago, when I too held an unfair prejudice against women’s ministry. I carried around this idea that it was just a bunch of crafty, quilting, cliché, women. And of those women I was certain that I had nothing in common with any of them. But here’s the thing: I was so utterly wrong. I was wrong in four ways really, A)#1: I had the most important thing in common with them, I had Jesus in common with them. At the very very least, I would know more of Him from studying the Word with fellow believers. And…furthermore: there is nothing wrong with moms who craft, or grandmothers who quilt or even people who seem cliché. Those women love Jesus and they are comfortable and secure with who they are. Those two qualities are basically what we are all striving for, am I right? Thirdly, there are some amazing, super cool, women (both beside and ahead of you in life) in women’s ministry. So perhaps….I don’t know…just maybe…instead of hoping that some super amazing older woman will randomly walk into your life to shepherd and encourage you and teach you….maybe you should just take advantage of all the women who are already at your disposal. Fourth and finally, (and this one is going to be harsh, but truthful. And I should also say that I am saying this to both my past and present self just as much, if not more than I say it to you) Get over yourself. Bible study, fellowship, accountability, prayer, worship, friendship: which of these things is so below you?

You have no idea what you are missing out on. Sign up for study at your church and give it a fair chance. And if you go to my church…I will unashamedly tell you that our women’s ministry is the healthiest one I’ve ever been a part of. I can’t emphasize it enough. Don't miss out!