Why blog?

So... previous to my last post I decided that I would be writing much more frequently in order to "exercise" my writing "muscle" so as to improve, to share the beauty and heartache of this life on earth with others, and, frankly, to bulk up my blog traffic.  And yet, here I am arriving "home" from an unexpected sabbatical....but that is another blog for another day.

So lately, I've been thinking of a...well I guess a mission statement of sorts for why I should blog. Why is it to important to broadcast my thoughts on the world wide web? What I came up with so far is that as my life continues to develop and grow and change, I learn more about myself and more about God and how the two collide and what that even looks like. I guess, I keep discovering that there are so many things in life that are kept quiet, some good and some more like secret land-mines. But how can we stay so quiet if God uses those things in such pivotal ways in our lives? No one can really warn you or prepare you for all of life's lessons...but shouldn't we rejoice together? Shouldn't we rejoice through the pain and heartache as well as through the marriage vows and first steps and all the goodness? We don't have to spill all the gory details of our happenstances, but shouldn't we share how the cross changes everything about them?

Well shoot, that ended up being a chunk of rhetorical questions instead of a concise "mission statement"...but hey it made the point...I think.

It is He who made us

This is the post I didn't really want to write. I have been avoiding writing this by telling myself I couldn't share something so personal until I had some sort of resolution. I compromised with myself. But please, bare with me, it's scary to be vulnerable.

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us." This amazing lyric is from the song Beautiful Things by Gungor. Ironically, ever since Austin introduced this song to me I have been obsessed with it. Like the one-song-repeat-for-an-hour kind of obsessed. I persistently requested that Austin do this song with our dear sisterfriend Camie. All this time I have been singing this song to my Creator, and unwittingly I was lying. I didn't really believe He made beautiful things out of us... well not all of us. Not me. (my heart hurts just putting that to words)

Since being pregnant, I have been so dissatisfied with my physical appearance. No, that isn't sufficient. I have lamented over my physical appearance. I have avoided mirrors. I have believed evil lies about myself. Shamefully, I even dreaded future pregnancies because of what it would do to my body. (I feel completely mortified putting words to that) I lived in bondage, whilst giving my Redeemer a slap in the face. Nothing looked good enough or felt good enough or was good enough. I had just welcomed our amazing and healthy son into the world and moved across the country being lead to an awesome church and community. I was learning so much about Him, but there was a growing spiritual cancer inside. I had come to a point where nothing in my closet was doing the job, and finally a point where nothing in any store could work either. At first I was buying new clothes and returning them the next day out of dissatisfaction. Around Christmas my sweet husband let me go out and buy a few things for myself, but I couldn't. Nothing fit right, nothing was cute enough, nothing was worth waiting in line for or paying for. We were in Dallas mind you, a place where I have had no issues blowing money in the past. This wasn't the first time that clothes or the lack thereof had broken me. This time, I was so anxious to get back to my parents' house and see Lyric. I was convinced that if I could just see him, I would remember why my body had changed so drastically and how worth it that small sacrifice was. But it didn't work. I sat looking down at him sleeping, and cried, whispering to Lyric (mainly to myself) "why aren't you enough? having you should be enough"

God had not been silent. My Savior had not abandoned me ever. He had been whispering and sometimes pleading with me to understand. He showed me that there are so many women that would give up their physique if they could just have a healthy baby in their arms. He opened my eyes to the other side of the coin, that if Lyric had been unhealthy that I too would have gladly traded my looks for him. He told me about my creation, "Katy, I did not create you as an infant and stop being your Creator. I created who you were yesterday, I created who you will be in 50 years, and I created you as you are now." And yet...and yet my sin was my comfort. My hatred of my changed body was fastening chains that bound me tighter and tighter. When I realized that this was sin that I was facing and not--what exactly was it that I thought I was dealing with? It had been so long since sin had seemed so big to me.

There was a series of events which served as a catalyst in breaking chains. In a long dark drive to a relatives' home, I finally started to understand how much it hurt my man that I completely despised my physical self while he "was obsessed with [me] post pregnancy." Being married, I almost always forget that "being one" isn't just a figure of speech. When I hate me, I hurt him. While we were in Dallas we had the opportunity to share dinner with our beloved friends the Patronellas, and after sharing my shameful feelings of inadequacy with sisterfriend, Andea, I knew that I had to move from this place. I wrote a timeline of sorts in my journal. How did I feel about myself pre-preg, during preg, and post preg. If I highlighted the number of times the word "proud" was written, you would need sunglasses to read the thing. Of course. Of course my pride had found another way in. Why did I think that this idol would just disappear from my life? While we were in Texas, we had the joy of attending my sister in-law, Tara's church, Stonegate Church. Our friend Rodney Hobbs is the pastor there and we were a little sad that he was out of town, but their associate pastor Dan was speaking in his place. Dan taught on biblical repentance, a topic that would hit me right straight between the eyes. Dan shared that sin was not just doing wrong things, it was anything that put tension between us and God and needed to be repented of. BOOM. And there it was. Finally, finally I could see the steps that were before me. It was repentance. It was not a total postpartum make over. It was not finding the most flattering clothes. It was repentance.

It seemed like God had softened my heart and taught me, like I had gotten that big fat nugget of wisdom I needed, but He was not finished. I just started the Siesta Scripture Memory Team through Living Proof Ministries. The idea is too choose two scriptures a month and memorize them, for a year (along with countless other believers). I need to arm myself with scripture to fight these lies. My Precious Lord gave me this to start "Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." Psalm 100:3. Such a simple truth, but one that shapes my identity. I just started looking for my next scripture to memorize when I read this with fresh eyes "but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" 1 Peter 3:4. "in God's sight is very precious." Why wasn't that my approach? Why have I been living this way? While journaling away about these precious jewels, I found myself writing "It's exhausting trying to be beautiful for everyone." BOOM.(again) I was living for the world. I wanted them all to think I was beautiful, for all of them to give me a pat on the back for being beautiful. Not conforming to this world holds a stronger meaning when it means not caring what the biggest trend is or how thin I am.

This post has taken me a full week to write (not including all the "mental writing" aka lying awake at night with this looming over me). All week I have struggled back and forth. On one hand I felt like this battle was too current and fresh for me to post for the whole world to have access to. On the other hand, I needed (still need) to know that other women share this battle, so maybe if I share this then some woman out there can turn from her chains, or at least realize she is living in them. But, I can't ignore the call that compelled me to share this part of my heart.

It's a New Year

Ok, so I am mentally writing a bulky blog post. So while I finish mulling it over, I decided to post a fun, short, little post.

New Year's Resolutions

1.eat healthy

2.work out at least 3 times a week

3.floss every day

4.do the Living Proof Scripture Memory without falling behind (if you want to join me, read more about this here.

As cliche as it is to have New Years Resolutions, I have them nonetheless. I think I picked four that I can accomplish, what about you?

More of a promise, less of a resolution

Readers, scanners, and perusers,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and read my thoughts. My deepest and most sincere hope for this blog is that it will be an outpouring of what the Lord is teaching and revealing in my life that I hope will build you up as well. Since becoming a mom, I have battled endless inner-tension about ministry. I have never really been in a stage in life where I have to come to the conclusion that the ways I am serving my family, child, and home are what the Lord has laid out for me, but here I am. I am so used to finding a ministry and throwing myself into it...whether I like it or not, that I don't totally know how to function with this new call. However, God is continually affirming that we are starting anew. (And can I just say, praise Him that His mercies are new every morning! I am almost sure that by the time morning comes each day...without that new mercy...God might be getting a little annoyed that He has to keep repeating Himself. Ok...that was a little too humanizing, but you get my drift.) Being a new stay at home momma, a pastors wife (oh man, I still giggle at that a little in my head. I know for a fact that as a teenager I claimed that being a pastor's wife was the LAST and I mean last role I would ever want), a new home owner and therefore new housewife, is a huge job...and for that matter, it's a huge ministry. I am so excited for the day when I can throw myself into the local church again and serve in new ways, but for now...despite much stubbornness, I am discovering the excitement of supporting my man's ministry, loving my man and my little buddy with the love of Christ, and creating en gedi in our home(if you are wondering what on earth en gedi is, go here). However, I can't ignore the pure joy I get from this blog. The Holy Spirit is stirring a passion for writing and sharing and learning in my life and I believe that He is allowing me to use this blog as a ministry.

I am confessing here and now that I am constantly fighting the lie that "no one wants to sit and read what I have to say. What do I have to say anyway? Who am I to say anything?" So please, keep me accountable friends!

I have a couple of blogs stirring around in my heart and head that I am very excited about. But in the short moment that I have now, I wanted to make this declaration and promise that I will be obediently writing and sharing with you as much as my full time ministry allows ;)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!