Thoughts for now

Sitting at home watching Martha Stewart's episode on blogging has me realizing that it has been far too long for me. My writer's block is not rooted in the issue of having nothing to write about, but from having far too much to blog about. Frankly, I am deliberating over what is appropriate to blog about and what belongs in my private journal. This is truly a crossroads. When I started this blog, my vision was to post both the mundane and the difficult. Now that I am in the midst of the excitement of pregnancy and also riding the emotional roller coaster of losing my job, I am finding that sharing all those feelings is a challenge. I deeply desire for transparency, thinking back to some of the challenges of single-hood and engagement I always looked back and wondered why the Christian women who had taken a role as "leaders" in my life (my mother excluded) had withheld so much about what that road of life held. Why, knowing the road that is traveled, would you not share those things? I made a commitment to transparency and accountability during engagement. I knew that marriage would bring many lessons and growth along with having children. I never factored losing my job into the heartbreaks and growth that I would be facing. Just typing that makes me feel so arrogant. Why not me? As difficult as any loss is, this experience is only opening my eyes to the deep heartbreak that is a daily occurrence for people everywhere.

So this is not a conclusive post, but I don't feel concluded so that's fitting. I hope this isn't too much of a downer. And in more mundane news, I'm still reading "The Help" and its amazing. I recommend.

Puppy and Pregnancy

The cruise is just days away and I'm so excited. However, it just hit me that I think I am actually going to miss our dog. Of course I have already told our sweet Max that I am going to miss him, but that was just the obligatory-good-parent/owner-thing-to-say. Now, I really do think I'm going to miss our little pup. I'm sure I'll get over that pretty quickly once I am enjoying all the perks of vacation. I have a few small goals for myself during this trip. Goal #1 catch up on all my maternity book reading, goal #2 read all if not most of The Help, goal #3 become a delightfully slimming shade of golden brown (I'm convinced my face is gaining weight along with the rest of me). So as you may or may not have put together, all these goals have one thing in common...I can do all of them while laying out and exerting little to no energy. Geez, I just looked up from my computer and the apartment is almost completely dark, that happened fast.

Also, upon request of my dear Cali friend Katie, I will be intentionally using this blog as a forum for my pregnancy experiences. Almost as soon as we found out we were pregnant, Austin laid down some boundaries...social media boundaries anyway. Since I believe that all (at least at this point) of my readers here are actual friends and not just internet "friends" I feel that using this blog is a good compromise. Hmm, what is the most commonly asked question these days??(curser blinking, blinking, blinking...) I think the biggest conversation I have held about pregnancy is how is still doesn't completely feel like a reality at this point. Fat-ness, however, is an ever present "reality." It's weird, and maybe you gals can understand, but I feel more self-conscious today as a pregnant woman than I ever did as a teenager. I guess whenever you add some weight any other time, you never really notice it until you notice it. At that point you eat grilled chicken instead of fried, cut out the sweets, and hit the gym. Problem solved. As a preggo, you know you will be gaining weight, you intentionally gain weight, and the future mirror holds a much bigger you in it. Please don't send this into Tyra or Oprah (maybe my beloved Bonnie Hunt though, just so I could meet that gal), I know and deeply desire to nurture and protect my baby. All 99.9% of me is willingly and happily eating those extra calories, but that .01% of me really hates that my already big butt is turning straight up ghetto booty. All this to say, I can't wait to #1 look pregnant and not just like a chubster and #2 to be healthier and more dedicated to exercise than ever in pregnancy and more intensely after pregnancy. Ok, I am sure that I have cyber talked your ears off at this point.

Oh gosh...there is that tiny voice in the back of my head needing to reiterate that I am ok with gaining weight and I know that I am still a beautiful person, no matter how my body changes. Ok, I feel more secure now knowing that no one thinks I have lost it. When I blog my mom's voice is always echoing her advice from my 5th grade note-writing/passing days, "whenever you write something down you can never take it back, so be careful what you put out there." Ah motherly advice...but thats for another day.

I like the dark.

Time for a new post. After all, I have an early resolution to fulfill. Lets talk migraines, the worst Christmas present ever. For the past week I have had on and off migraines every day. Here is my issue. Some people have a tension (aka stress) headache, sinus headache, or just plain headache which I'm sure isn't fun, but don't be dramatic. When people run errands, go to work, do housework with a "migraine" I get...annoyed. Not because they appear to be super hereos, and I am not. I am annoyed because....THEY DON'T HAVE A MIGRAINE!! A person with a migraine can't do anything but swallow any and every pain "reliever" in front of them and sleep. I am an expert in this area. Studies show (yes I did my research) that 20% of women have A migraine at some point in their life. Ladies, try A migraine every few months. I guess what I'm saying is, all you exaggerators out there are making me look like a wimp. End rant.

In other news, Austin surprised me today by picking up our new MacBook Pro! We have been pinching out pennies and all of our family graciously donated to our cause for Christmas. This machine is simply amazing! Also, I started reading "The Help" today, well kinda started. As soon as my migraine subsided I thought I would try reading. Austin found me grimacing and holding my head in my hands, but reading nonetheless. Being the loving husband that he is, he demanded that I quite reading and give my head a break.

We go to the doctor tomorrow! Just a little longer and we will find out if this baby is a gal or a guy.

And, for those of you few who are reading out there, thank you. I hope I can leave you feeling entertained and reflective. Or at least a little less bored.

A Year in Review

I'd like to take a moment to be somewhat of a LifeTime movie clip. As I sit here beside my huge sliding glass doors watching tons of snow blow through our courtyard, I can't help but reflect on the year. First year of marriage, first road trip with my husband, first dog(s), and pregnancy for the first time. Geez. I have to say that just writing the words "first year of marriage" reminds me of all the advice (invited and uninvited) that we got as we were engaged. Sadly, most people told us it would be undoubtedly the worst and hardest year of our lives. I am happy to say, that marriage has been wonderful. Now, I'm sure I will look back in 20 years and chuckle over those first year discoveries. I hope (and know) that in 20 years, I will know my husband immeasurably better and more intimately. However, this first year has been exciting, challenging, filled with growth, romance, and fun. So, for all of you stinking nay sayers out there, you're wrong. Also this year, (thanks to our first dog, Savannah) Austin and I discovered that we are....dog people. Now, thanks to Max, we know we weren't crazy. Another pleasant (not so surprising) discovery is that Austin really is the one person I could go on a week long road trip with and end up loving more. Seriously, road trips are like boot camp for marriage. If you can get through that, you can get through that horrible first year ;) And oh boy, first pregnancy. We learned that I was pregnant after 10 months of marriage. I find myself wanting to do all those things that are off limits. I've never been that kid that touches the hot stove just because my mom said not to. But, I find myself daydreaming about eating sushi, after running a marathon (ok half marathon) and riding roller coasters. I want what I just can't have. Although, having this tiny little baby growing inside my body (it seems like the "bump" gets bigger every time I look down) makes life look so different. And look nay sayers, I'm not naive. I know that life will change, that we won't have the "freedom" we had before, but I know that it will be good (and by that I mean amazing). If I love my husband as much as only I can really know and feel in my heart, then I know that the love in our family will just be exploding when our little life takes his/her first breath. And, next year we will actually have to label the gifts under our tree! And so now, as this preggo has to go visit the ladies room for the one millionth time, I hope that your year has been just as exciting.

How is that for a Hallmark/LifeTime/day time talk show kinda moment?